A BLer friend has encouraged me to come out to a few people. He has done it, and it has gone very well for him. But another friend is going through terrible difficulty with it. I am trying to sort out the advantages of coming out vs. keeping my secret. Sometimes I wonder why I should even consider coming out? Wouldn't it mean the risk of rejection, people looking at me like I'm a freak, not trusting me, being scared of me, keeping me away from children, and eliminating the chance that I could ever have a relationship?

I think I just figured out the main reason I want to come out in spite of those risks. It was at church this morning. (Actually church was held at church camp--which brought back the wonderful memory of being a camp counselor there a month ago. It was my first time in such a role, and I loved it!) Anyway, the back of the church bulletin said "we are never closer to God than when we worship with reverence and awe. Whether in a stained-glass cathedral or in a simple building, whether clasping hands in prayer around the family table or raising voices in song around a campfire..." I suddenly realized that those times I have felt close to God have always been when I'm alone. I have NEVER felt close to God while worshipping or praying with other Christians. Why not? I guess it's because God is love, and I can only imagine being close to God with other people when these people love each other and me. The problem is that I always think that the love of the people around me is conditional, and I don't meet their conditions, because I am a BLer. I cannot feel close to God when the people who are supposed to be "God's people" around me could not love and accept me as I am. The thing is, of course, I haven't ever given them the chance. Maybe I should.

--Julius