Masquerading
Submitted by ChoirBoy on July 30 2000 23:55:17
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Hello all! I haven't written for a while because I have been out of town for a week at a conference with one of my friends from school. On this trip especially, I noticed how much of a façade I continually put up when I am with my friend, whom I'll call Bruce. Bruce is the kind of man who is constantly noticing good-looking women wherever he goes and commenting on them. He purposely sits in restaurants with a view of the entire room, and he openly stares at the women he finds attractive, making endless little comments and crude jokes. He always twists mine and others' words that were meant in earnest into lewd remarks about the female or male anatomy as they relate to sexual matters. I've mentioned it to him before, probably because I am not like him at all, and he mentioned to me that he can't help noticing the beauty of young females. It's what healthy, virile males are wired and predisposed to do. I again realized last week that I don't think of women as sexual objects, or even as objects of lust and desire. It doesn't really matter to me if they are fat or thin, ugly or beautiful, at least on the exterior. It's the person inside that counts. That doesn't mean that I couldn't love a woman or even be sexually attracted to her, but that love must be there first. As I was thinking about the way Bruce notices women everywhere, however, I came to the realization that, despite what I think, I am a lot like him in one way at least. I can't help noticing the boys around me. One day last week we went to the city's aquarium for about half a day. The aquarium was filled with kids, as all aquariums are, I suppose, and I couldn't help noticing the many boys that were looking at the animals with curiosity and wonder in their eyes and faces. There were even some kids voluteering, I guess, for the aquarium, and two adorable boys who showed me a little box turtle. As Bruce wandered off, I lingered to hear them talk about why I shouldn't pet it on the head because someone put something in its food and it was cranky (which the other boy denied immediately, blaming the crankiness on too little sleep). It was cute. Now, I don't look at these boys with lust or desire. I don't undress them in my mind or imagine unimaginable sexual acts with them as the mainstream media hysteria would have you believe about all boylovers. I simply enjoyed the sight of them. Enjoyed watching their excitement and hearing their voices. I think this is a perfectly normal attraction, and if I was noticing the women in the same way I would be considered completely normal. However, the target of this attention was boys, not women, and that is a fact that I would rather die than have publically known. So, all week, and indeed all the time I am around other people, I have to masquerade as a "normal" man. I express what I think is a healthy attraction to the women that Bruce unfailingly points out, and I hope to God that he nor no one else suspects. I read the previous post, and I understand that persecution is common for people like me. Even though we may not actually do anything wrong, like Chris in the earlier post, we can get in trouble and could even have our lives, careers, and reputations destroyed. Wouldn't it be great to drop the masquerade? Wouldn't it be great if I could openly enjoy the beauty and mystery of boys without averting my eyes quickly or making sure I don't linger too long so that the wrong impression is not gotten? What a curse and a blessing boylove is! Cursed because we are forced to secrecy and solitude, blessed because we are able to recognize and love the most special creatures on earth, we boylovers must hide behind our mask of normality and hope that God will send us a friend in whom we can fearlessly confide. Sorry for the length. Just the ramblings of ChoirBoy. |
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