First Post (Part 2) -- looking for a cure (LONG)
Submitted by FeelingDirty on August 28 2000 06:35:51
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Anyway, my story starts around the time I was 12 years old, maybe a little sooner. I found that I was attracted to certain other boys in my class -- usually blond and healthy-looking. When I was younger, I used to fantasize that other boys were part of my family, like brothers. I often went to bed with the purpose of dreaming about being part of a large family, with both brothers and sisters, but mostly brothers. I loved to have those dreams. It made me feel good, and it made me feel good when other boys accepted me into their circle of friends. Kind of like male bonding I guess. I'd rather have a boy want to be my friend than a girl. If a boy liked me, I felt more loved and accepted than if a girl liked me. Part of that probably has to do with my father not living with me, and my brother being too old to want to play with me. I'm not sure exactly, but I think I was looking for acceptance from other males, and when I received it, it felt good, and I continued to seek after this feeling during the rest of my life. I didn't start questioning my sexuality until I was 12 years old. Up until that time, I was mostly attracted to girls. I had "crushes" on other girls (my age and older), and I had girlfriends throughout grade school. I grew up in a fairly rough neighborhood where men were men and boys aspired to become them. Many boys in my neighborhood experimented with girls at an early age -- often having sex before becoming a teenager. I had my experiences also. I had a relationship with a girl during the latter part of grade school -- we kissed and French kissed a lot. Also at this time, I was invited over to a girl's house when her parents weren't home. I told her that I was going to come over and have sex with her and her twin sister (they both liked me), and I meant it. They both thought it was great and said they would be waiting for me. I kind of chickened-out on the way to their house and went to another friend's house instead. My attraction for girls also continued throughout junior high school when my girlfriend was the most popular girl in school - long blond hair, beautiful body. We talked sexual and mentioned certain sexual things that we were going to do with each other, but we never did. Actually, I started to feel more attracted to her half-brother who was the same age (they had the same father who got each other's mother pregnant the same year). I also started to feel attracted to another boy in my class. This is what caused me to start questioning my sexuality. I grew up in a neighborhood and in a family where being gay was a choice, and if you chose to be gay then you were a freak and should be shunned because of your choice to be gay. I'm still not certain whether it's a choice or not. I liked the feeling of being attracted to boys, and I chose to occupy my mind with fantasies of being with other boys. Sometimes I think that if I would have tried harder to deny these feelings that I would have turned out alright. But I couldn't ignore the way that looking at other boys made me feel. I kept these feelings secret and hid them deep inside. At the same time, I had a couple male friends who made moves on me. One friend wanted me to sleep in his bed, naked, while staying the night. That grossed me out and I threatened to go home. I slept on the floor instead. I started to notice his attraction for other boys, and I noticed the way he'd touch me and follow me around. One time he thought it funny to pee his pants right in front of me. I couldn't believe that he thought it was funny. It made me sick. I later found out that some gay men have a fetish about peeing. I had another friend who started to touch me in weird places, and then make a joke out of it. One time we went to a carnival together and he kept ending up in my lap on almost every ride. He'd laugh and act like he couldn't help it. Then there was a couple times when we were alone together and he'd grab my butt, as if it was a joke. He started to make me sick, and I quit hanging out with him. The strange thing is... If one of the other boys at school to whom I had been attracted would have tried some of the same things as my two "gay" friends, I probably would've let them continue into doing something more sexual. So, at the same time as being attracted to girls and being sickened by my "gay" friends, I was becoming more and more attracted to other boys my age. This mixture of attractions has continued throughout most of my life. I would often fantasize about both boys and girls, but I found myself feeding more into the fantasies of boys. Then I noticed something strange, and I've seen it mentioned elsewhere in this forum. When I was 12, I fantasized about other 12 year olds -- no one younger. When I was 13, I fantasized about both 12 and 13 year olds. When I was 14, I fantasized about 12, 13, and 14 year olds. But when I became older, I was still fantasizing about 12, 13, and 14 year old boys. This started to confuse me after I got out of high school. When I fantasized about girls, I fantasized about girls my age and older, but when I fantasized about boys, I fantasized mostly about boys much younger than me. It was bad enough, I thought, that I was having a lot of "gay" fantasies, but as I got older these "gay" fantasies were actually pedophilic fantasies -- the boys I found sexually attractive never grew up... I still found 12, 13, and 14 year old boys to be sexually attractive, and I was now entering my 20s. It's very very rare that I'm ever attracted to a man who is my same age (in their 20s). Actually, I find it sickening to think of me having a sexual relationship with a guy my age, or even a little younger (definitely not older). I've never found a male's genital organs to be attractive (on boys or men) -- I see it as ugly. However, I find both nude female and male bodies to be beautiful. A woman's genital area is much more pretty; though, in most cases I like the shape and look of a male's backside much better than that of a female. A young male's body is very attractive to me. A young girl's body isn't attractive to me since most young girls aren't developed/complete yet (small breasts). But a young male's body seems perfect and complete -- it's as if the body reaches a peak in the early teenage years and then starts to deteriorate from there. Let me say that I find it disgusting to think of any adult having sex with any child, and I get sick to my stomach and start to cry whenever I come across pictures on the Internet where an adult is having sex with a child. To me, that is an abomination. I feel like I want to fight it -- like I want to kill the man raping the young boy and the man who took the picture. Children, and even many teenagers, are either too young or too naive to realize that it isn't love when a man uses them to gain his own sexual fulfillment. But, at the same time, I feel guilty for my own sexual attractions to young men. I don't fantasize about having sex with them -- I fantasize about them doing something sexual with a girl or boy their own age, and I fantasize about me doing *nonsexual* things with them. I also fantasize about seeing their bodies in the nude, but never with me doing anything sexual with them; however, I do find it sexually arousing to see or hear about young boys doing sexual things with other young boys and girls their same age. So, am I gay? Or am I a pedophile? Or does "boylover" have better connotations to it? "Boylover" expresses a love and concern for boys, but it seems to cover up the fact that many boylovers have a sexual attraction for boys. This cannot be covered up. This must be dealt with. I think of the young boys I have known, and I would be very concerned if I knew that they had befriended a boylover. Being one myself, I know about the hard-to-resist temptations -- the temptation to see a boy nude and maybe even touch him. I wouldn't want any pedophile anywhere near the children I've known, or near any of my nephews and nieces. But I am one, aren't I? How can I be so hypocritical? It's a part of me that I despise. I don't even know what it is that caused me to be attracted to young men, or even young boys. I feel guilty when I'm both genuinely concerned about a boy's welfare and sexually attracted to him at the same time. How can I love the boy if I also lust after the boy? And would I even be that interested in the boy if it weren't for my fleshly lust? How selfish of me! That's not love. That's wrong! I deal with these feelings on almost a daily basis, especially after recently having a YF (young friend?) of my own. CONTINUE TO PART 3 |
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