First Post (Part 3) -- looking for a cure (LONG)
Submitted by FeelingDirty on August 28 2000 06:38:18
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I'll try to make this short without leaving out the important details. (Forgive me for being purposely vague on certain parts). I first met my young friend when he was 7 or 8. He was cute and smart but I wasn't attracted to him. I watched the way he interacted with his father and I dreamed about having a son like him and all the things I would do if I did have a son like him. (By the way, during most of my childhood I had dreamed about having a younger brother which I never got. There was always that desire for younger male-bonding). A short while later, the boy became one of my students. He was 9 years old. We got along very well. He paid attention in class and was always willing to help. He often spoke to me before and after class -- he liked me a lot and once said (as a couple of my other students have also said), "You're the best teacher ever!" (I even had one girl say, "Can you be my teacher every year?") This boy had a couple other siblings who were also in my classes, and I got to know their parents rather well. I became a true friend of their father's, and was invited over to their house a few times. I never once, at this time, saw my relationship with the boy's father as a way for me to get closer to the boy. I never had been a friend to a boy before and it wasn't something I pursued. I wasn't the kind of "pedophile" that would seek out boys, go to places where they played, or try to make friends with them. I would never do anything that I wouldn't want a man to do with my own child (if I had one). But, believe me, I'm not trying to make excuses for my feelings. Anyway, this boy had been in my class for three years. I got to know him very well, and I became a friend of the family's. He really looked up to me, and his parents saw how much he liked me. One year I decided to reward this boy with a trip to a local fun place since he had been such a big help to me in class, and also because I felt comfortable taking him somewhere since I had now become a friend of the family. Remember, my sexual attraction is mainly for boys 12-14 years old. This boy was only 10. I found him to be a lot of fun to be around, but I wasn't thinking sexual thoughts about him at this time; though, I was beginning to fall in love with him. He was the smartest young boy I ever met, and he had a great personality -- he was always laughing and making jokes, and at other times he was serious and would ask some deep spiritual questions. At the end of our first day out together he told me, "This has been the greatest day in my life." About six months later, during the next school year, we did the same thing. He became the little brother that I always wanted; though almost 14 years younger than me. I started to be a real good friend of this boy's parents. His parents and I had a lot of the same political and spiritual beliefs. We would talk about these things for hours. One time, this boy's mother confided in me that she really appreciated the love and concern I had for her son. She said it was good that I was giving her son this kind of attention since his father didn't seem to show him as much love as he showed their other son. She saw my relationship with her son as being a healthy thing. Okay... I know the following events are going to sound made up, but this is the absolute truth. This may sound like some kind of fantasy that a boylover would write, but it's not. This whole letter is nothing but the truth. My young friend's parents were starting to have problems with their marriage. His father was a traveling salesman and was rarely home. He worked for a huge clothing designer, working alongside supermodels at times, and there were rumours and certain types of evidence that he was messing around with other women when away from home. His wife must have shared some of this with him because he started to become concerned about his marriage. He talked with me many times about it and asked for prayer. He planned a weekend retreat where he and his wife could spend time together and he would try to rekindle a spark in their marriage. He asked me to baby-sit the kids during that weekend. That Friday, I went to their house before the kids came home from school. Their mother had baked some treats and left a note about how much the kids loved me and that I should have a good weekend. I was excited about staying the weekend with the kids -- for two nights and three days. The kids were now like a part of my family. We had a lot of fun -- we played games, watched TV, went to the movies, went bowling, went roller-skating, and went to the local fun place. My young friend was acting kind of cocky all weekend -- probably because I had already established a strong relationship with him and he thought he could get away with more than the other kids. I think he was purposely acting this way to test me, and probably show the other kids how much better I liked him. The first night, his mom called me to see how things were going. Her husband was at a meeting, so we talked for a couple hours. At one point I told her that her daughter was sitting in my lap, and she said, "Forgive me for saying this, but I have to say this... Don't even think about touching one of my children inappropriately. I'm sorry, but as a mother I just had to say that." I told her, "no problem, I understand" and our conversation continued where it left off. At another point, her son sat alongside me and talked into the phone, "Mom, is he allowed to spank us?" His mother didn't say anything -- she hadn't thought of that -- so I told him, "It depends on what you do, so be good." I told his mother, "I don't want them thinking they can walk all over me. I want them to think I might be able to do something to them if they're bad so that they won't be bad." Actually, I did give him a good swat that weekend when we came out of a store and he thought he was being funny by running around and not getting into the car with his other siblings. It got serious when a car barely missed him, so I took him over to the car and gave him a good swat and told him to get in the car. He kind of laughed to make light of the situation, but I could tell by his face that it had stung him. His behavior was much better after that. Anyway, over the weekend I first noticed that I was feeling something more than common love for this boy. He was cute and very good looking: Golden blond hair, deep-dark blue round eyes, long dark eye-lashes, fierce reddish-blond eyebrows, cute nose, thick pink lips (sometimes bright red), and a beautiful kind-of-feminine-looking ivory-white face with rosy cheeks. I had never really looked at him like this before, and now I found myself staring at him. He was 11. A year later, as his body grew, he became the most handsome boy I'd ever seen in my life. I'd never seen anything more gorgeous since then. His mother even called him, "drop-dead gorgeous" at one time and mentioned all the compliments he had received for his looks throughout his life. One time when he came to visit me before I got off work, no less than three of my co-workers told me how good looking he was -- "that's a good-looking boy," they said. Anyway, it was during that weekend that I first noticed the sexual feelings I felt inside by being around this particular boy. I had never been this close to a boy that I was attracted to. It scared me. I started to get "turned on" at times. One of these times was when he asked me to help him wash his hair after a bunch of girls had filled it with confetti at school. I couldn't help but look at him as he leaned over the tub with his head under the faucet while I was running my hands through his wet golden hair to help wash out all the confetti. Then I shampooed his hair and towel-dried it for him. I felt ashamed for enjoying it. This was a boy that I thought I had genuine love and concern for, but now I was feeling sexually aroused by him. I felt like I was betraying his friendship. What kind of friend am I? And do I even "love" him or is it merely because I'm attracted to him? About a month after his parents came back from that weekend retreat, they got a divorce. I was still a friend of the family, finding myself caught between the two sides. This part is actually a long story in itself, so I won't go into it here. Anyway, the father moved away and the mother stayed in the house with the kids. I was invited to the house several times. My young friend felt so comfortable around me that sometimes he walked around in his tight boxer shorts and would lay himself down on the couch while talking to me. This was another one of those times that I got "turned on" when I noticed the shape of his backside in those boxers. Once again, I felt ashamed. I felt like I was betraying this kid's trust and friendship -- like I was raping him with my eyes. CONTINUE TO PART 4 |
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