First Post (Part 6) -- looking for a cure (LONG)
Submitted by FeelingDirty on August 28 2000 06:52:16
|
Months passed and my relationship with his mother became more serious. I had become a regular fixture in the house (as they say), and my relationship with the boy got more serious. I started to take on the role of a father. I got the kids up in the morning and gave them breakfast as their mother went to work. And his mother had pretty much put him in my hands to take care of. I disciplined him by using a point-system where he'd get rewarded with good behavior, or he'd have to do extra chores for bad behavior. When he got too strong for his mother to hold him down during spankings, I became the one in charge of his spankings. This made me feel weird since I still had that battle going on inside me where I was sexually attracted to him but also saw him as an untouchable child of God. How could I not feel guilty when spanking him? I was very careful when those times came. Part of me found it sexually exciting while another part of me did it for his good. The first time I spanked him was when he was grounded and wanted to sneak out to go to a basketball game with a friend who was a very bad influence. I told him, "No." And he said, "I'm going to go!" He started to walk toward the door. I held him back and made him sit down on the couch. I started to talk to him, and he said, "I don't care. I'm going to go." I told him to go to his mother's room (where he usually got his spankings). I did this as a warning. I didn't want to spank him and hadn't planned to spank him. I followed him into the bedroom. He sat on the bed and I talked to him some more. He started to get mad and got up to walk out. I told him I was going to spank him if he tried to leave. He tried to push by me, and I pushed him down on the bed. He looked at me and said, "You can't stop me!" as he tried to get up. I held him back, and then he spit in my face. I tried to turn him over, but he struggled too much, so I pulled up on his legs and gave him four good slaps on the butt. It scared him and tears filled his eyes. I followed him out of the room. He didn't try to leave -- he went to his room instead. That was the first time that I spanked him, and it was the most dramatic of them all. He had just turned 12 years old, and I asked him, "Isn't it embarrassing to get a spanking at your age?" And he said, "I'm a kid. Kids are supposed to get spanked." I only spanked him about five more times in the next six months -- and most of those were within a two week period when he was hanging out with that same friend and acting real bad. By the time I had given him his fifth spanking, his whole attitude had changed and he was a nice kid again. I always talked to him before the spanking and told him why I was giving it to him and if he understood. After it was understood, I gave him one or two hard swats on his clothed butt (except for one time I gave him six that he knew were coming to him), and then I talked to him again after the spanking to make sure he understood what was expected of his behavior. It worked real well, and I felt good that I wasn't letting my sexual feelings take over. He thought it went well also and a few times he'd smile and tell his mom, "He gave me a spanking," as if to assure her that I was doing a good job with discipline. Perhaps it also made him feel loved that I was concerned about his behavior, and he wanted to share that with his mother. I asked him, "Aren't you getting too old for spankings? You're 12 years old. I wasn't that old when I got spanked." The last time I attempted to spank him, he was almost 12 1/2 years old, and he said, "No one's going to spank me anymore." And no one has spanked him since; though, his father threatened him a few times when he stayed with him. So I told him, "Okay, so you're a young man now. But you've still got to have consequences to your bad behavior. If you want to be a man, you'll take them without complaining." I'd either ground him from doing something he wanted to do, or make him do extra chores (yardwork), or both. This worked real well.
Anyway, he got older and we all moved into a house together. I was planning on marrying his mother, and she was expecting me to propose any day. We all had our own rooms, but we no longer kept it from the kids that we were sleeping together. One time her son said, "I saw you French kissing my mom." "When?" I asked. "When you were in the back room and I was going upstairs. I turned around and saw you kissing." I said, "You're not angry?" He said, "No." I told him, "We've been kissing for awhile now." He said, "Yeah, I know." I asked, "You're okay with that?" He didn't say anything. Then I asked, "So you won't mind if I marry your mom?" He said, "You can marry her but I'm not going to be around anymore." I asked, "Why?" He said, "Because I'll leave." He told me how it bothered him that his friends thought I was his father already and that people often called him my son and me his dad when we went places. I told him that he could just tell his friends that I was a friend of the family, and that he could still call me by my first name, "You don't have to tell them that I'm your step-dad. I won't mind if you say I'm just a friend." He said, "No. That's okay. I'm still going to leave." I asked, "Why? Because I won't be your friend anymore and I might be strict and treat you like a son?" He mumbled a yes and told me how he shared secret things with me and he didn't want me being so close with his mom that he couldn't share his feelings with me anymore. I told him that I wouldn't break his trust and that I'd always be his friend. I told him that I looked at him more like a little brother than a son. "You already have a dad. I can't be that." We all lived together for a couple years. He started to get into things that teenagers get into -- alcohol, sex, vandalism, etc. One night I had to pick him up from jail, and he said, "Just hit me -- hit me right now." He was ashamed that I had to pick him up. He asked me to drive around for awhile before we went home. He liked to talk when he was feeling bad. Then when we got home, he walked toward his room and asked, "Aren't you coming up?" I told him, "In a little while." I talked with his mom for a bit and then went to his room. He laid in bed and told me how disappointed he was in himself. I told him that he was grounded indefinitely and would have to help me around the house for the next few days. I told him that he needed a reak from his friends, and I told his friends the same thing. He said, "I keep screwing up. Maybe I should leave this town." I told him, "Who's going to help you when you screw up? Who's going to be there for you? I'm here for you now. You have a lot of potential to be a great man of God. Just be good. Others look up to you. You're a leader. Act like one. Don't choose to do bad things." After awhile I told him, "Goodnight, I love you." He shocked me when he answered back, "I love you too." He said that to me about once every six months or so, and I always made sure that he felt he was saying that because he wanted to and not because I wanted him to say it. Also, I quit hugging him and only hugged him back after he hugged me first. For those who might be wondering about his sexual orientation, and if I influenced him because of my own sexual orientation, let me say that I caught him staying the night at a girl's house twice, I caught him looking at pictures of naked women on the Internet, and I've found pornography in his room a couple times -- pictures of big-breasted women. Also, he had told me about some things he had done with girls and the things they supposedly did to him. He knew that I felt he was too young to be doing these things, and he knew that it would upset me, but he felt safe sharing these things with me -- he wanted to get my reaction and see if I still loved him nonetheless. Actually, a big part of me was happy to hear that he turned out to be a healthy heterosexual male. His mother even told me, "I think you've helped to keep my son from being a homosexual." She referred to the way his father acted toward him, and the early sexual behavior that he sometimes displayed. One time he showed me the new hair that was growing above his genitals, and another time he bared his butt to me and laughed as he ran upstairs. But this is also normal for young boys to do. (By the way, concerning the other brother, I never felt sexually attracted to him and never touched him or spanked him. It was my strong relationship with the other son that made his mom feel comfortable about giving me charge over him. She dealt with the other kids on her own). So, is it possible for a boylover to have a good effect on a boy? Yes. Is it safe? No. Let me tell you why... CONTINUE TO PART 7 |
Follow ups: