Re: Uncles, and other thoughts
Submitted by Splash! on August 30 2000 06:08:10
In reply to Uncles, and other thoughts submitted by Jules on August 29 2000 18:08:26
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Jules, Thanks for your letter. You brought up a good point that I skipped over while writing my long dissertation. The theme of my post had to do mainly with the battle against my sexual feelings toward boys, so I left out many other parts. When the boy's mother divorced his father, I was still a friend of both his father and his mother. His father started to use me as way to get information on his ex-wife -- this made me feel uncomfortable. He didn't like it that I wouldn't give him the info. He almost never talked about the pain of being separated from his children, which surprised me. In the years that followed, he barely even saw the kids. Quickly after the divorce, he used his kids as a way to get to his ex-wife, and he started telling the kids that I was the reason why daddy couldn't be home anymore -- "Your mother loves him more than me, but he can never love you. He can't be your daddy. I'm your father, not him. I don't want you hugging or kissing him anymore, and you're not allowed to touch him -- he can never be your daddy. I am." When the kids first heard about the divorce, one of the boys hugged me and asked, "Are you going to be my new daddy now?" The kids loved me. They wanted a dad that was not off traveling somewhere all the time. They wanted someone they could play with and be with. The little kids crawled all over me several times, giving me hugs. But things soon changed. Whenever the kids had a visit with their dad, they'd come back with anger in their eyes. When one of the boys gave me a hug, I'd hear another child say, "Remember what Daddy said. You can't touch him anymore." And then I heard one of the children tell me, "My daddy can't live here because you're here instead." It was tough to deal with, and my young friend was being told the same things by his father. I hadn't established a strong friendship with the other kids, and their dad had blown any respect they may have had for me. I started hearing things like, "You're not the boss of me. You can't tell me what to do. You're not my dad!" This is why I could never be a father-figure to them. They wouldn't accept it. They didn't respect me anymore. They still liked me, and we had a lot of fun, but they would never listen to me if I tried to control their behavior. This is why the other kids were never placed under my charge. My young friend would often have to step in for me to control them. The other kids respected their brother... but not me. His mother told me, "You have to gain their respect," and I'd say, "How can I do that when their father talks bad about me?" One time my friend's sister called her dad to say bad things about me after I had tried to make her stay in her room for bad behavior. My friend grabbed the phone from her and told his dad, "You're not here. You don't see how they are to him." It made me feel good that he was fighting my cause. Anyway, my young friend started to have doubts about my friendship with him soon after the divorce. I already mentioned the time he caught his mom and me together in her bedroom at night. His father told him, "He used you to get to Mom. He's not your friend." And then my friend told a lie to his father about me, perhaps because he was feeling torn between the two of us and we wanted to show loyalty to his father. The lie had something to do with me being mean to him, so his father called his mom and said, "How can you have him there if he's being mean to the kids?" His mom asked, "Who told you that he's being mean to the kids? Well, it's no surprise. You're always cornering him and making him feel like he has to agree with everything you say so that you'll love him." After the phone call, his mom talked to both her son and me. She got at the truth and her son admitted that he had lied about me. She told her son, "If you're going to be his friend you can't talk behind his back and tell lies. He's been a very good friend to you. He's spent a lot of time with you, takes you places, and has done a lot of things for you, but now he probably won't want to be your friend anymore, and I won't blame him. I think you should tell him that you're sorry." It made me feel bad that he lied about me after I thought we had a strong trusting friendship. He told me he was sorry. It was a tough couple of months. My young friend started being mean to me, not respecting me, and not listening to me. His mother had enough and sent him to her room. This usually meant one of two things -- she was either going to have a serious talk with him or she was going to give him a spanking. I told her, "I want to speak with him when you're done." She said, "I'm going to give him a spanking." I said, "I know." She went into the room and shut the door behind her. A few seconds later I heard him whine, "Noooo..." She gave him at least ten hard hits with a belt. I could hear him grunt and whine after each hit. It was the last time he let her spank him. She admitted that it was one of the hardest spankings she'd ever given him. The door opened, and she told her son, "He wants to speak with you." Her son went into the bathroom and shut the door. I knocked at the door and told him that I wanted to talk with him. He let me in and we both sat down on the floor. He kept his arms over his eyes. He was ashamed and wouldn't let me look into his eyes. I talked to him about the good times we'd had, and that I still wanted to be his friend, and that I loved him. I tried to pull his arms back so that I could see his eyes, but he wouldn't let me. He turned his back to me instead. I told him, "It's okay for you to like both your father AND me even though we don't get along. Don't you have friends at school that you like but they don't like each other? It's the same way with your dad and me. You can still be friends with BOTH your dad and me." I talked to him a little more about my love for him, and when I turned him toward me, he still had his arms over his eyes, but I could see that his cheeks were wet with tears. Then he stood up and made a dash for the door. He turned and yelled at me, "Then why are you f***ing my mom!?!" I tried to grab his arm, but he tore away and ran up to his room. This was the climax of that whole period. The whole time he had been questioning and testing my love for him because I now showed an interest in his mom. Several times he'd tell his mom, "He was my friend first!!" One time his mom and I were having a good talk, and he came into the room. She told him to leave, and he got upset and said, "He was my friend first!" He was definitely afraid that my relationship with his mom would hurt my friendship with him. Then there were the times that he was afraid I was going to marry his mom and become his stepfather. At around this time, he had a friend a couple years older than him who he was sharing these feelings with. But his friend liked me a lot. He'd say, "I wish he was my father. That would be cool." One day the three of us walked up to the school to play basketball. We had a lot of fun. His friend told him, "You should be happy. I'd love to have a stepfather like him." I'd say, "Yeah, listen to him," and laugh. Things got much better after that, but every once in awhile he'd tell me that he didn't want me to be his dad because then he wouldn't feel like he could talk to me about things. It was tough because I wanted to marry his mother but I didn't want to ruin my close friendship with her son. After moving in with them, I started taking on the role of a father. He liked a lot of it. He respected the discipline (even the few spankings I gave him -- he only fought against one of them), he liked the time I took to show him how to shave, put contacts in his eyes, ride a motorcycle, make dinner, lift weights properly, and fix things around the house. Whenever I spent a Saturday fixing things around the house, he was always by my side. He could've spent the day with friends, but he enjoyed watching how to do things, and I always let him help. The things he started to rebel against were when I would do something like call him up at a friend's house when he was staying the night to check up on him and see that he was where he was supposed to be. He also didn't like it if he was playing with some friends in the street and I called him in for dinner or because it was late. These weren't friend things -- these were father things. But the thing he disliked the most was my getting close to his mom. He would tell me, "My other friends don't try to have sex with my mom. Friends aren't supposed to do that." This is why his mom and I wouldn't kiss in front of him and tried to be careful to not let him catch us doing anything sexual or romantic. The other kids weren't upset about it, but with him we had to gradually let him see that his mom and I were a couple. He got less upset about certain things, but he never did feel totally comfortable about it. One time he did say, "You can marry my mom," but the next day he must've thought about it and denied that he said that. "I won't be able to talk to you about things if you marry my mom." Perhaps he felt that he'd lose a friend, and that his mom and I would agree on everything together and "gang up" on him when raising him. His mother suggested that he was concerned about us ganging up on him. It was rare that his mom and I disciplined him as a team. Depending on the behavior or the circumstance, one of us would come to a decision about his punishment and talk to him alone, and then tell the other person what we had decided -- this way he didn't feel like we were both against him, and he'd be free to tell his mom if I was being too harsh on him, or tell me if he felt his mother was being too strict with him. Jules... it was a strange time making the transition from friend or older brother to becoming a parent. I could've just stepped into the stepfather role and taken control, but I cared too much about what he thought of the situation. He made it clear that he valued my friendship and he didn't want to lose me as a friend by my becoming a parent to him. It was real tough balancing both roles. How could I do the parent thing (like checking up on him and disciplining him) while also being a friend to him (listening to his stories without it making me feel like I should discipline him or check up on him because of the private things he shared with me)? He wanted to be able to tell me about the bad thing he did the other night with a girl without grounding him or pulling the phone away from him if the girl called. I'm sure he had to think these things through a lot more carefully before he'd tell me anything. As he got older, I'd sometimes catch him in a good mood and he start to tell me all kinds of things, and then a day or two later he'd tell me that he really didn't do all those things. I think it was confusing for him. And it made it difficult for me. When he would tell me something private about a friend, I started to feel like saying, "Well, I don't want you to see that friend anymore." He didn't want me taking action as a parent when he told me things as a friend. He'd say things like, "My other friends don't tell me what I can't do, and they don't ground me." I read several books on step-parenting that covered this aspect. Many step-parents have found themselves having to balance being a friend and a parent. I'd talk to my friends at work about my step-parenting relationship, and many times they'd tell me that I couldn't afford to be a friend, and that he needed a dad that wouldn't let him get away with things. But I couldn't do that. I felt so strongly that I must do what I can to remain his friend. To do anything different would've broken the strong trust that took several years to develop between him and me. I needed to keep that mentoring relationship with him, as a Christian teacher. I needed to know that he would always look up to me as one even if my relationship with his mom wouldn't last. And that's something else to think about. If I did decide to say, "That's it. I'm your stepfather and you're my son. You're going to have to do what I say," then he wouldn't feel the need to know me the moment I broke up with his mom and quit being his stepfather -- there would be no friendship to carry on. But I do feel that we built a strong friendship that he knows he can return to anytime he needs it to be there for him. Jules, you said, "An uncle has freedom to have 'favourites', as you had, but a father doesn't. Maybe it's for the best that you didn't end up as the father." I know what you mean. When we all moved into one house together, his mom would occassionally say things like, "The other kids feel like you like him better than them." She would sometimes suggest that I balance out the things I do for him among each one of the other kids as well. I'd have to remind her that I had established a friendship with him before I got to know the other kids. I reminded her that he respected me while the other kids did not, and I reminded her of the mentoring relationship I had with him that the other kids had refused to accept from me. I'd say, "I'm not their father, I'm their friend. I don't have to show my unconditional love to each of them equally. Your son listens to me and respects me. He's my friend, so of course I'm going to want to do more things with him than with the other kids. The other kids don't listen to me when I talk to them about their bad behavior, but your son always listens to me." After I had that talk with her, she said, "You're right." I reminded her of the times her son did things for me and listened to me. One time her son was acting bad so she sent him to his room upstairs. This is when I first started to be a regular visitor to their home. He stormed upstairs stomping his feet all the way, he slammed his door, and then he kept banging his heels against the floor and his back against the door. I asked her, "What's he doing up there?" And she said, "Oh, he's having a temper-tantrum." I said, "Do you mind if I go talk to him?" And she said, "You can try." So I went up to his room, and he let me in. I talked to him for about 10 minutes. He totally relaxed and calmed himself down. And then I came back downstairs and sat on the couch. His mom looked up at the ceiling and waited to hear him go back to his temper-tantrum, but nothing happened, so then she looked at me and said, "You're so good with him." She knew from early on that I had a special bond with her son. It was very rare that the other kids would listen to me in the middle of one of their temper-tantrums. So, yes, I had picked a favorite out of all the kids and I felt justified by doing so. Jules, you also mentioned that our attraction for boys may stem from our own wishes to be like them, to live vicariously through them. I found this to be very true in my relationship with my young friend. I told him that I loved watching him grow. "I live my life through your eyes." Actually, several times I tried living his life for him. He didn't mind most of the time, but when it conflicted with what he *really* wanted to do, he'd tell me, "You can't control me. I have my own life! Let me live it myself." I'd take a step back and realize what I'd been doing and I'd tell him, "I'm sorry. You're right. It's just that I love you, care about you, and want the best for you." Then he'd say, "You have to trust me. I'll be alright." Then I'd remind him of our age difference and how I'd been where he is now and that I didn't want him to make the same mistakes I did, and even though he may think he knows everything, he's too young to understand a lot of things and may be too naive to realize the trouble he's getting himself into. I found myself wanting to live his life for him many times. I told him, "Knowing you is like having a second childhood. I get to live it all over again." But I also wanted to protect him. He respected both of these reasons but he'd stop me when he felt I was being too controlling. It was great though. My girlfriend would laugh at me and say, "Sometimes you act just like a kid." I felt young again. It was a lot of fun. Also, I had several chances to stick up for him. When teachers treated him wrong, I felt like they were treating me wrong, so I'd show up at school and have meetings with them and/or write the principal letters. But this is another story that happened over a six month period and into the very beginning of the next school year. We won the battle, and part of it he did himself. He played a lead role in a play at school. I watched it. He was totally amazing -- a true natural. At the end of the play the kids were calling his name (as if he was the only one in the play). He told me that a lot of the teachers complimented him on his acting. The teachers that were abusive to him saw another side of him and started treating him much better. I'll have to share this story at another time. But it was a chance for me to do what I wasn't able to do when I was younger -- stand up against the abusive teachers. Anyway, Jules, I totally understand the "form of projection" that you're talking about. And we have to be careful to balance those feelings also. Sometimes I do feel like a kid, but then I'm reminded by the world around me that I'm an adult and am expected to act like one. It's weird. I think this also has to do with our mannerisms and the way we act. Sometimes I catch myself when I'm in a public place and have to consciously remember to talk slow, make my voice sound more resonant, walk manly, etc. It's almost like a form of schizophrenia at times that I find myself snapping in and out of. In conclusion, I agree with your list of things to do that will help with one's feelings of self-acceptance and self-control. "Living with friends" is good, or at least having regular contact (or fellowship) with others. It is not good for us to be isolated. We need others around us so that we don't lose a sense of reality. You also mentioned "having a close older male friend." This is so important. I've had one for almost ten years now. I chose him to disciple me, and he agreed. Now we meet for breakfast at least once a week, we send each other e-mails, and I often go to his house to have dinner or just to discuss things. We talk a lot about the Bible and what it is to be a Christian. He's old enough to be my father, is not sexually attractive to me (older men never are), and has a good married life. He's very safe for me, and very helpful. We need to exhort one another. I think Paul said that. And I look for more exhortaton here. This is the first time I've told anyone about most of the things I'm writing here. It means a great deal to me to have this back-and-forth discussion, and to get positive feedback. Thank you. ~Splash* |
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