i am nowhere near...

hello my friend, it has been a while since i have been here...man it is nice to talk to some fellow christian bl's again. well, work comes early in tomorrow again, but i figure i got time for some quick answers to yer queries... 1) You speak of a liberal but biblical church. A strange mixture--- well, i think that they are so liberal BECAUSE they are so biblical. they used to be evangelical free, but coupla years ago disassociated with them. they have very long services, are VERY based in the Word, lots and lots and lots of COOL AWESOME AND GREAT worship, a *traditional* service in the morning, although most folks would shudder in horror, and a really let loose all out worship fest in the evening, both of which i attend most of the time. btw, i also go to the early service at a local first baptist church, and man, the difference is night and day. the folks here are very accepting, very loving, very energetic... there is lots of different ministries going on from my church, in all areas. they have a very dynamic faith, and lots of cool stuff is going on. now they have just as many problems as any other church, dont get me wrong. but they walk very closely with the Lord. they are just free in His love to love all who come and all they meet, withoot reservation. 2) You seem to have a fair number of positive relationship with a number of boys. Is there one who you are especially drawn to? hahaha....man there are a handful. and you are right, i do have a fair number of relationships with boys. i work with kids, in many different ways over the years. but yes, i love them and i seek out boys to be in relationship with. right now, i am still thinking and praying about how my sexuality meshes with all this, and with my faith. so for the moment i keep sex completely out of the question. man, i see such beauty in boys, i cannot help sometimes but cry, or when i leave them i sit in my truck and laugh like a fool praising my God, because His grace has let me be with them and it is so much fun... but yes, i am VERY drawn to several-probably half a dozen. but you know what i have found...(now please all you who want to argue now, dont bother me with it...it aint worth my time to argue...but if you want to discuss, feel free...) when i do not allow myself to have sexual fantasies about a certain boy, or boys, my realtionship with them goes better than if i think that way about them. now, i constantly see their beauty, and sure it arouses me, but to me their beauty is such that it is degrading to me and them for me to think of them, even if only in my own mind, as mere sexual partners. yes, i am constantly looking at them, seeing how wonderful they are, how incredible their bodies are (well to me anyway), but i do not degrade them in that way. and actually, as time goes on, it becomes easier and easier to control my thoughts in that area... and i mean it is like black and white how it affects our relationship... although i am sure that that is partly just my view of it all colored by my own thoughts... but man i love them all, but yeah there are several who just blow my mind. and the cool part is, they seek me out, call me up, invite me over... when i can seem to keep my mind as pure as it can be under the circumstances... 3) My own experience is that a lot of relationships reduces the sexual element in any particular one - which I prefer!! Is that also what you find? not at all. read the above diatribe for more info, but man, i have the sex drive of a hormone driven teenager, (which i am not, although not too far away)and sometimes i spend literal days walking around aroused. i just try to keep any overt sexual connotations out of it, sort of. sure, boys come and sit on my lap, and i like it, but not in simply a sexual way. sure, they will run up and give me a hug when we see each other, but that is just awesome. many of them know of my feelings, in the way that children understand things. and they really dont care, as a matter of fact they welcome the affection and love as long as i can keep my adult desires under control. boys have got raging hormones too, and to them adults are somewhat transparent. they can tell when they arouse you, and they like it. it gives them a sense that yes, they are beautiful, and yes, someone appreciates their beauty. and as i said, as long as i can control my urges, we can be intimate and loving without actually being sexual. and that is the best part sometimes. > As far as your comments about telling the pastors about where >you're really at is concerned - I think you'd be on a loser; it is almost inevitable that it would result in their closing down your contacts with the boys - hahahahahahahahahahahaha....... i apologize, but apparently the web has slightly obscured my personality... i would like to see them try. as far as my life goes, i am well aware of the stigma of being a boylover... but things in my life are such that even if they tried, they could not. i am always one step ahead of things like that. sure maybe they could get to one or two of my boys, but not even close to most of them. and again i apologize, i am not laughing at you, but just at the picture of what that would look like... but i thank you truly for your concern. the Lord is in charge of my life, but underneath that comes me, the church is pretty far down the ladder in terms of running or even changing my life. but i was merely thinking about talking with the pastor. i will continue to think and pray about it...long before i actually do it, it i do. but the Lord will lead in this, as He does in most of my life... and BTW,i am merely where i am, everyone needs to follow his or her own path, and all we should share is the desire to be headed in His direction... life as a boylover is wonderful... (well some of the time anyway...) grace and peace, i gotta run, it is way too late now Scott