What I mean by 'it' being a gift!
Submitted by Once a Boy on December 05 2000 22:18:03
In reply to I told someone I would.. submitted by Peanuts on December 05 2000 15:37:07
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Intrude! I hope you'll stay with the group. There is nothing wrong with diagreeing with others. When I think about my realtionship with a boy (now 22), I see so much that God was driving in me to do with (for) him. I had broken up with a girlfriend who I had been with for four years, and then this relationship occured with a boy who was 12, one in which I learned the true meaning of love and the true meaning of patience and trusting in God. God used me to break down walls in Joseph. Now, whenever I talk to Joseph, I just see how God is bringing Joe along. In our walk with God, we don't always "see," yet indeed God has let me see things others cannot see. I think God sometimes lets me see the heart of a boy, the gold in his heart. I have been blessed. I was in my early 20s when I met Joe. I was a different person back then. Today, I pray for a boy named Nick and a lot of other boys and children in America and around the world. A part of me hopes for a close relationship with Nick, but I am not sure if God wants to use me in this way. The time with Joe was a spiritual adventure! I have enjoyed many close and fun times with boys, but none have ever been as important and enlightneing than the relationship I had (and have) with Joseph. I do believe this relationship was a gift from God. Indeed, I can understand how you can think it is not a gift. I guess through this boy loving I become more steadfast and dedicated to reading the Bible and praying. This is another reason I feel it is a gift. I have seen many miracles in my life (not just with Joe and other boys) but in my entire life. I have been blessed. Now, in my mid 30s, I continue to change, and although there may always be this urge to "play" and be close to boys, I am begining to want more than a relationship with a boy. Being with a boy fufills me in the moment, but indeed I want more. I leave it to God to open up other relationships. I just try to see what He is opening up for me. Recently, I asked God to help me decide what to do with a kid named Nick (now 12). I already know my name is engraved on his heart; he was suicidal, and we touched on things that he needed to know. I was already etched on his heart from having a friendship with Nick since he was 3, but this summer, our relationship deepened, and I know my name is engraved on his heart. I do talk about God, and it is my hope that Nick, like Joe, comes to know God, for there will be a day when we will be together forever in a way that cannot occur here on earth. There is a bond that God has allowed to happen. It is infinitely deeper than a sexual orgasm! I do feel lonely, at times, and so I understand why you would think this a curse and not a gift. I have loved and been loved by at least 20 boys (perhaps upwards to a 100 boys), and of course by adults (and girls too). This love is pleasing to God! I do want to have a family, now that I am in my mid-30s. My friend's 10 year old nephew, who I've known for over 7 years, recently was laying with his head on my chest as we watched a movie, and afterwards, my friend said, "You would make a good dad." I can only hope that I can get back to a relationship like I had before Joe...the one with a girl, so we can build a family. I do think God wants us to use our ability to shine light in a child's world (and actually in everyone's world). I could get down and feel "it" is a curse, but then what good am I to all the people I meet during the day. I do understand your feeling it is a curse. I truly don't think my investment of my time and energy with boys has been negative. I am different than I was in the 20s, and God may now have other plans (a family) waiting for me in the near future. We all change over the years, and if we are in His word and pray, I think it is more likely that we will find where we should be and what we should be doing with our lives. Indeed, in the past, my relatiosnships with boys has been life changing both for the boys and for myself. It has been what I was suppose to be doing at that time in my life. I don't know if "the gift" is to be with us our entire life...for some - yes! For others, like myself, I am begining to believe God wants me to move away from focusing on boys soley and begin to move into an intimate and loving adult relationship. At least I think that is what is happening...I am not convinced, but I am open to letting God show me. In time, I will know. Well, anyway, I do hope I better explained why I think this has beena gift in my life. Since I have been writing in this group, God has been working in my heart. I may be entering a different phase of life, and I may begin to use other gifts that God has given me. Do realize: A strong empathy, compassion, and love for a boy can lead one into a most exciting and enlightening experience. It has for me. Wishing you the best, ~Once a Boy |
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