me too (without community)
Submitted by Splash! on December 07 2000 22:01:31
In reply to Growing up without a community submitted by Heather on December 07 2000 18:50:03
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Before age 12, I thought of myself as just an ordinary boy. And I was. Everything I've read about the way boys behave, think, react, etc. -- it all applied to me. I had crushes on girls, I enjoyed playing competitive team sports, most of my friends were male, we hung out together, fought with each other, told dirty jokes to each other, etc. In fact, I was the king of sexual innuendo among my friends. But things changed around the time I hit puberty. For some reason, still not quite known to me, I noticed that I was *also* attracted to other boys my age. My girlfriend was the most popular girl in school, but I was starting to fantasize about her brother more than I fantasized about her. Now, in the neighborhood where I grew up, there was no doubt that it wasn't seen as normal to be thinking sexually about other boys. I told myself, "Oh, it's just a phase you're going through. You're not gay." I lied to myself about my feelings. I hoped that if I denied my attraction to other boys that I would outgrow it somehow. Strange thing, though... When I was 12, I was attracted to other 12 year olds. When I was 13, I was attracted to both 12 and 13 year olds. When I was 14, I was attracted to 12, 13, and 14 year olds. But that's where it stopped. For some reason, my age of attraction (for males) has remained around the 12-14 year old age range. I haven't quite understood this either. At age 12, I first started to become aware of my sexuality and my attractions. I was attracted to both boys and girls, but increasingly more attracted to boys. At that time, there was a very famous pop singer who just started to make it big. I liked his music so much that his album was one of the first music albums I ever bought. Soon after, I was told that he was bisexual. Do you know how happy that made me? I felt relieved. "Wow... someone famous who feels just like I do!" I almost felt proud of my bisexuality. I played his music over and over trying to find places in his lyrics where it seemed clear that he was bisexual. I even thought I heard some things, but less than a year later, I found out that the rumours were false. And then I became depressed because I had no one to identify with, and there was no chance I was going to talk to anyone about my bisexuality -- not in my neighborhood! Heather brought up a good point about "community." I grew up during the 80s in a pretty tough neighborhood. There was no community for the types of sexual feelings I was experiencing. I knew that a couple of my friends were gay -- but to me, that was grotesque. Maybe I would've felt different if these friends were good-looking. Maybe I would have had some experiences with them then, and then maybe I wouldn't be attracted to females at all by now? Who knows. But, when I was growing up, being "gay" was something to look down upon -- something to get away from. Except for that short period of time where I felt proud of my bisexuality, I've never embraced my homosexual feelings or identity. But if I grew up around a community of other homosexuals, maybe I would've embraced that part of my sexuality a bit more, and maybe today I would be proclaiming myself as gay? Personally, I'm glad that didn't happen. I continued my life "in the closet" and striving for normal heterosexual relationships. In fact, the older I got, the less I was attracted to males my same age. But, as I said, for some reason I still have an attraction for 12-14 year old boys. So what does that make me now? A heterosexual boylover? Is that possible? I ocassionally find some other men attractive, but not in a way that I'd like to have sex with them. Although, I did have a friend when I was around 20 years old, and we did some homosexual experimenting with each other (without kissing or having sex). Soon after, we both had normal heterosexual relationships and haven't experimented with homosexuality since. It was fun at the time, but I can't see myself doing that again. But, then again, if I were involved in a "community" of homosexuals or bisexuals, would I have turned out different? Good questions, Heather. ~Splash* |
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