Re: Without hope
Submitted by GCFboi on December 17 2000 22:59:44
In reply to Without hope submitted by Lost on December 17 2000 15:51:40
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>>I used to be a frequent poster on CBLF... and then, my spiritual life went down the tubes. Porn and lust started to come part of my life. And I was consumed. I feel lost. I can't find happiness. Only lonliness. I can't even look at a boy and not think about sex. I can't think about God. I don't know. I sometimes feel that my life is just a joke. Because sometimes I just feel like the only thing I want I can't have. I just want to find someone I can live with. I used to be a frequent reader of this board, and then I became a sex addict, after I got so depressed because I couldn't handle the memory of what had happened to me as a teen, and the realization that I was a teenboylover myself. I hated myself for that, for a long time! So I feel for you, brother. Been there, done that. (I never had sex with anyone under 17, but that is purely by the grace of God). >>And the only place I find anyone who will accept me unconditionally is in the life end eyes of my little boys. Actually, boys around the age of 10 seem to be the best age. They love you without any remorse. They smile and laugh with you and don't look at your problems but your strengths. Their laughs make me laugh. Their tears make me cry. Their pain makes me hurt. Their joy makes me happy. But their love fulfils me. Their absense makes me feel alone. Guess what, Jesus Christ was a 10 yo boy too, once, and he loves you, and you can love him without worrying about whether it is wrong or right! Jesus feels the same way about you that you feel about those boys, and if you want, you can even pretend that Jesus is 10 years old, if you want. He won't be offended by it. Of course it is right to love Jesus. I can assure you, the feelings of LOVE (as opposed to mere sex), that is, REAL LOVE, that you feel for boys are not wrong. Boys are beautiful and lovely; to love them with a pure heart is not a sin. (Philippians 4:8) If it is pleasing to you to think about boys, and you can do that without feeling shame, and it doesn't make you want to abuse them, then it is not a sin. The sexual temptations you are feeling are not from God. But it is possible to overcome lust. It can be done. It took me about 3 years, but it can be done. There was a time in my life when I thought I couldn't even live without pornography. But now I am totally disgusted by it, and I can't even stand to look at it. God helped me do a 180 on that issue. I wouldn't have believed it possible once, but he did. (BTW, giving up porn and lust doesn't mean you have to give up sexual fantasies altogether. I still have fantasies, without acting on any of them. Part of my recovery process involved a "middle" phase where I totally gave up pornography, and instead just masturbated every time I felt the urge. Even if I was feeling lusty, I just jerked off to relieve myself. Try that approach, it might help. [Masturbation is kind of like the "nicotine patch" for sex addiction!] If you have to masturbate six times a day to stay away from the porn, then go ahead and do it! Better to think dirty thoughts just in your head, than to actually carry them out, or to watch other people carrying them out. The recovery process is a matter of stages, it doesn't all happen at once, and you don't just go from being lustful to being totally pure overnight. So be patient with yourself, and take it one day at a time). I will pray for you. God bless you, and peace. We've all been lost before, and those who are lost can always be found. (Heb 13:5 - "I will never leave you or forsake you". John 10:28-29. 1 Cor. 3:15 [even if you suffer loss, you will not perish; once saved, always saved]. John 19:30 - "It is finished". Luke 15:8-10. God just can't wait to rejoice over you!!! God loves you. The point I am making is that if you have believed once in the truth of Jesus Christ, God will always be there to rescue you, if you ask him. Maybe it will take a really long time. There was a period of about a year when I was sure that God had given up on me for good. I was suicidal so many times that I lost count. But, now I am here, and I want to live! And I am even so bold as to be HAPPY! Even if you doubt your own salvation, you will still be saved, because God is the one who saves. We cannot save ourselves. And if God wants to bring us to be with him in heaven, then he will, even if we don't think we deserve it. (1 John 3:19-20) |
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