Some humor
Submitted by Mark on December 22 2000 18:19:48
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For your enjoyment. I forget where I got these. Classic CHURCH BULLETIN Bloopers -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- 1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. 3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 4) Evening massage - 6 p.m. 5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. 6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. 7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door. 8) Ushers will eat latecomers. 9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. 10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. 12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." 13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. 14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." 15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. 16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All" 17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. 18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. 21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why. 22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. 23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir. 24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding" 25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better. 26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow. 27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help. 28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. 29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. 33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance. Great Historical Quotes > "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I > have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could > converse with those people" > -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle > > "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they > take them off." > -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the > Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers. > > "The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." > -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live > > "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." > -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks > > "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We > are the president." > -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents > > "When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment > results." > -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge > > "It's like deja vu all over again." > -Yogi Berra > > "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" > -Former French President Charles De Gaulle > > "The loss of life will be irreplaceable." > -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco > earthquake > > "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, > and I'm just the one to do it." > -A congressional candidate in Texas > > "It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I > have to beat somebody." > - Richard M. Nixon > > "The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the > environment. This is a good planet." > -Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a > million dollars. > > "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots > and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is > to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for > the killings? The killers are to blame." > -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues > behind the Los Angeles Riots > > "Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." > -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower > > "A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real > money." > -Everett Dirksen > > "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." > -Samuel Goldwyn > > "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother > and child. " > -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values > > "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from > them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the > Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." > -John Wayne > > "Half this game is ninety percent mental." > - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark > > "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the > impurities in our air and water that are doing it." > -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle > > "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public > mind." > -General William Westmoreland > > "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is > being very wasteful. How true that is." > -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for > the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line > "a mind is a terrible thing to waste" > > "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be > cut right out from under your feet." > -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin > > "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." > -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle > > "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." > -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle |
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