Jesus Suffered Despair…

Hello Saddness, I can't be certain what has led you to this place, but it is apparent that it is the love of a boy, or perhaps more than one boy. When I read your post, I couldn't help but think of the struggle our Lord must have had when he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. His disciples had accompanied him into the garden, and stopped to rest, but Jesus "went a little farther". As his disciples slept, the burden of the whole world rested on his shoulders, and he prayed God to allow the cup that he was about to drink be removed from him. In our struggles as boylovers, the resulting emotional upheaval… the ecstasy, the depression, despondency, and despair… are just a small portion of what He must have felt… And yet, many times in our hearts and minds we want the cup that we have poured for ourselves to be taken away. If we take our lives, then the cup is broken. The Bible tells us that He was tempted in all things, even as we are tempted. Do you suppose that He ever thought about ending it all, and leaving this earth because it was too much for Him to bear? What if he had? Where would that have left us? If He had failed us, where could we turn? I'm sure that there are some boys somewhere who have looked, and are still looking to you for guidance. Where will that put them? How will they feel, knowing the one who led them to Christ couldn't handle the struggle himself? Should they continue to depend on God, when you couldn't? The Preacher in Ecclesiastes tells us that the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away… Let Him decide when your time is up… He has always been faithful in His promises. Please don't let the devil win out. Life on planet Earth, at its best, is a great disappointment, but if we will do our best to live in the world, without being *of* the world, He will reward us, not just with eternal life, but an abundant life… A life where all our earthly burdens will be lifted, and we can live forever and ever in heavenly peace. Taking your life, as I have often heard said, is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Living in earth, is only temporary. The Lord's Prayer says, "Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, *in* Earth, as it is in heaven." I believe that means this little bit of clay that imprisons our souls here in the world. We must do our best to live for Him, or when our body dies, our soul will die with it. God has eternal plans for those who will trust in Him. But we must not give up… We must continue the struggle to live for Him, until He calls us away. We all know that we have a life on earth, but none of us knows how much life we have. God has given us enough life to overcome the world. Some of us have more life than others… That's our cup… But if we break the cup, everything that's in it will spill out, and we will be left with nothing… Don't break your cup… Let God fill it. Remember, He has given you charge over some of His children… Don't leave them in a wilderness without your guidance. Have you led them this far, only to desert them? What will they do? Whom will they turn to, if they don't have you to continue pointing them toward God? God gave them to you, and you are responsible for them. You have gone too far to give up, now. I have often said that I have gone far enough in God that I don't like what the world has to offer, but I'm not yet fit for His Kingdom… So I'll just have to keep on looking to Him for strength and the power of His Holy Spirit to win the battle. As Bach said… Give it twenty-four hours. God loves you… And so do a lot of his children… I will be praying, as will many others, that you will make the right decision. God's Love, Peace and Grace be with you… ~Andy