Christian Boylove Forum

remembering a nightmare I had lastnight


Submitted by Chuck on January 29 2001 13:42:22

(cross-posting this from Boychat cuz i think people here will think about the basis of this message more than there.)

Jeez, guys, i'm one of those who is fool enough to let Boychat get to me too much sometimes. i let a troll who posted as "nodding off" in response to a post (url will probably change in Oldposts, so tell me if it does) in which i spent a lot of time and care on, get inside my head just enough that i had a nightmare lastnight...tho it surely wasn't just "him/her" doing such; it was certainly the kind of vibe (feeling) i get from this board so much in general. (Look, my "problem" is that i actually care about people on this board, what they're doing, and how they're going about doing it...)

The amazing thing is, the nightmare proved to be an insight or vision (educational), so i did the form a "jiu-jitsu" i've learned, apparently even in my dreamstate (i don't have many dreams, btw, especially anything i usually remember at all). So "nodding off" didn't entirely fuck with me; in fact, he HELPED me come to a place that i see now could be a really fucking excellent way for people in BC to make a sort of informal *resistance consciousness*. A sort of defiance of trolls that could really be INSPIRING instead of so often similar to "co-dependency"..

Yes, a few of us are already doing this "activism"--more like self-defense. Yet have we been very conscious about doing it in a systematic way? If so, i've felt quite out of that loop...tho luckily there are a few who take the time to reach over, i seldom feel it on any board; i can only think of one board where i actually feel kind of at home.


my dream


Anyways, here's my dream: i thought i actually screamed in a low guttural voice about half way thru.

That was at a point where this adult bully (who happened to be a uniformed policeman) had noticed me...i had been trying to talk with people in a middle class neighborhood about dealing with this bully (who, besides being a cop, he was a really big man, with a scary way of asserting his dominance on everyone who was male). So that was where i was.

And i had been, and i was talking via what i thought was privately with one of the residents out on the porch about this, when he pointed out to me, after i had spoken awhile, that this bully was parked right over there behind some sort of thing so that only a part of his big white car could be seen. And he was sitting there, we both knew, and he certainly heard me dare *challenge* him.

Suddenly i found myself alone, me at one end of a street, he at another. i thought for sure he didn't see me, and i dodged up to a door of one of the middle class houses and proceeded to beg to be let in, but the occupant wouldn't allow it. So i hid behind a wooden gate (which had flat wood boards as panels, and only a bit of space between); not a very good hiding space...And look who comes RIGHT in, quickly sees me hiding there on my knees, opens up the gate and has a really big knife in his hand.

And that's where i screamed my low guttural scream which i thought others where i live would've surely heard.

But the bully somehow threw the knife away near me, and i instinctively went for it, but he had me with his much stronger hands before i could, in my panicked hysteria, grab it fitfully. And i dropped it.

Well, it turned out that he just played with me, while threatening me. Maybe the way so many bullies play with their women friends or wives, or gay partners for that matter. i was terrified but within me (ah, hmmm, that's interesting, cuz it's similar to my advice to a guy allegedly threatening to kill himself on BC lastnight--keeping the within protected even if the without is terrorized to no end)...so, i was terrified, but within me i was quite calm. He couldn't penetrate that deep no matter what he did.

And i started seeing this strength i had.

But the bully kept doing his shit, hiding behind his badge (everyone outside of the upper class seems to know that cops stick together, and if you have a bully cop acting out of line, apparently seldom are they seriously dealt with). And his victims kept basically letting him get away with his shit almost "scot-free".

Almost. Because, privately, they had this joke name for him. Called him "Jack Bot". i learned about this joke name when i did the following.

A group of us from the aforementioned neighborhood were hanging out on a sunny day near a subway station or something like that, and a guy who had remained on our periphery pretty much until that time, stopped in. He would just stop by and ask how everyone is, and i noted his sincerity about it. So i took a chance just after he gave me a helluva handshake. It was the kind of handshake that the bully used on us, but with a good vibe instead.

So i took a big chance, because in my heart (my within) i believed we could adequately challenge the bully in some way. So i said:

"Hey, you (meaning the big visitor dude) should shake THIS GUY's hand, cuz you have a HELLUVA HANDSHAKE!!" (so, this wasn't immediately challenging to the bully, cuz it was all in fun)

So he went over to the bully. And he was almost as big as the bully (everyone also knows that bullies don't like match that's anything close to equal), and he shook the bully's hand and the bully was visibly surprised and offset by it. And then the visitor guy asked what the bully's name was (hell, even i didn't know), and that's when everyone smiled out (in their Acceptable Bootlicking Kindly Smiles):

"Jack Bot!"

And the bully glowed, and the visitor didn't get it, and he smiled too (he definitely didn't know what was up). And then a colleague leaned over and whispered to me that "Jack Bot" actually means "Jack Boot", and this guy laughed in the loudest whisper--almost drunken--that was possible in the circumstances.

And then i said it openly. "Oh, you mean, Jack Boot!"

And the dream ended there.
*****************************

(note: this dream was actually interrupted 3/4 of the way thru by a phone call, but when i hung it up, i went right back to this vision/dream)

The thing i learned from this dream, after thinking about it awhile, about what i was seeking to do in the dream just as i woke up, (because "Jack Boot" didn't really get it right away, used as he was to dominating us--he never imagined that someone as puny as me would openly butt heads with him; but our visitor got it quickly and i remember that he stood his ground rather than saying 'well, I have to go now.')--the vision i got was that if the community then stuck together from there, backed each other up, TOGETHER, firmly, not letting anyone seriously fuck with anyone, then we could block that bully. We could not let him continue to smash us.

And i can take this dream and apply it to all our boards, wherever there's a misguided fascist who is bullying us all the time; especially those they deem weak enough to fuck with (like new genuine posters, for example).

We don't have to let these fascist bullies have any power. That is, Regulars don't have to. The enemy mindset will make up posters continually, and they will throw all kinds of shit at us, like "nodding off" did to me (i haven't yet read his post btw cuz i decided to ignore it for awhile at least). Surely we already see it, but i don't believe we have the consciousness, together, that would make our desire for sane interactions together happen in the kind of consistent way that makes for a beautifully constructive community. i certainly haven't felt backed up nearly enough.

This is an area that all of us who are genuine can affect. We don't have to go out of our way to do this, really. We just watch how our brothers are treated and we affirm them and we back them up when bullies are giving them shit.

i'm saying we all ought to do this, cuz i'm not on the board regularly enough, and anyway i wouldn't have the energy to do it by myself. Luckily, there's already quite a few people doing this kind of thing, tho i don't know if they have a collective consciousness about doing it.

Last point. In a collective consciousness, we strengthen our community much more than remaining in a solo consciousness. Not's been trying to tell me this for awhile now, tho i didn't completely trust what his ends were. So have a few others; but i thought they were just trying to get me to conform to their whole system of believing.

Collective consciousness in this sort of resistance can be just that, nothing else. So i'm not asking you to conform to MY system of believing, and nor do you have to conform to anyone else's system of believing. Just see the value of backing each other up, especially when the Jack Boot's are making their war on us!


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