News
Submitted by Mark on February 11 2001 21:47:38
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Some important recent news articles from "The Onion": Area Man Has Naked-Lady Fetish (Read about those perverted straight people!) ST. JOHNSBURY, VT--Looking at Warren Geary, you'd never suspect. A respected business owner and devoted family man, the 41-year-old Geary, by all outward indications, would appear to be just like anyone else in this sleepy New England hamlet of 4,700. Dig a little deeper, beyond the many years of PTA involvement and Kiwanis Club membership, and you'll discover a very different Warren Geary, one who derives sexual stimulation and pleasure from the sight of unclothed women. FBI To Require Background Checks For Child-Care Providers. Child-Havers Unaffected WASHINGTON, DC--Taking measures to improve the safety and welfare of America's children, the FBI unveiled a sweeping new program Monday mandating comprehensive background checks for all U.S. child-care providers. The program, which bureau officials hope will reduce child abuse and neglect, does not affect the nation's approximately 150 million child-havers Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia WASHINGTON, DC-- Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced U.S. plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable. U.S. Ambassador To Bulungi Suspected Of Making Country Up WASHINGTON, DC-- Chad Halpern, U.S. Ambassador to Bulungi since 1996, has been asked to return to Washington to face allegations that the West African nation does not exist. Serbia Deploys Peacekeeping Forces To U.S. BELGRADE-- Serbian president Vojislav Kostunica deployed more than 30,000 peacekeeping troops to the U.S. Monday, pledging full support to the troubled North American nation as it struggles to establish democracy. World Death Rate Holding Steady At 100 Percent GENEVA, SWITZERLAND-- World Health Organization officials expressed disappointment Monday at the group's finding that, despite the enormous efforts of doctors, rescue workers and other medical professionals worldwide, the global death rate remains constant at 100 percent. Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs HONOLULU--In an announcement with grave implications for the primacy of the species of man, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute reported Monday that dolphins, or family Delphinidae, have evolved opposable thumbs on their pectoral fins. Aliens Demand More Positive Portrayal In The Media WASHINGTON, DC-- A coalition of extraterrestrials representing some two trillion lifeforms across the five major planetary confederations descended on Earth Monday to speak out against "the demeaning, degrading and hurtful portrayals" of aliens in the planet's media. |
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