Welcome!
Submitted by Mark on February 19 2001 11:00:49
In reply to I am so confused right now. Please help! submitted by Lemonhead on February 17 2001 21:39:44
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Dear Lemonhead, Welcome to CBF! I'm so glad you found us. I hope you will post and read here. I have found it to be very encouraging, and hope it will be for you too. Like you, I am a teacher. For the last several years I taught at a Christian school, but the clear hatred of homosexuals (and other groups) got to be too much for me. I now teach at an independent school. At one time I really agonized about my feelings, but learned to accept them. For more details about my career and my attitude toward my sexuality, you can go to www.cblf.org/paraklesis/vol1iss1/shame.htm. (Warning: it's sort of a long story.) I would also encourage you to read the many articles at "Paraklesis" (www.cblf.org/paraklesis) since they give you perspectives from several different people as to how we as Christians and boylovers can live fulfilling lives. I would like to respond to several of your points: I live for those moments of affection from these boys. I live for the touches and comments of how much they like "just being with me." This is not natural. Actually, I see nothing wrong or unnatural about this. We all need affection, including boys, so I think affection between men and boys is a good thing. Especially now when I read so many studies showing how children are growing up without the affection they need, and experience anxieties and insecurities in youth and adulthood as a result. I am finding myself more and more lusting after and desiring these boys. The thought of that disgusts me and excites me at the same time. Your feelings are pretty typical of male sexuality, except that the object of your feelings here is boys instead of women. My opinion is that this is natural variation in sexuality among people, but society has yet to find a way to deal with the sexual behavior in a way that would be good for both boylovers and boys. So while I no longer agonize over the sexual feelings (but let myself enjoy them), I recognize that it would be very risky to act on them. If you can control yourself (like most adults can), I encourage you to enjoy these boys, interact with them, encourage them, love them, and make their lives richer. I remember when I was about five or six, there was a group of neighborhood boys that used to come to my house and play in our camper in our backyard. These boys were older than me-- probably about nine years old or so. I remember that for a while, there were some pretty perverted games that went on in that camper when I was there. I knew that they were wrong, but I remember being strangely attracted to those games. Again, from what I have read about sexuality, this is very normal in childhood, and does not cause sexual problems. I am a boylover, but never ever had any sexual experiences with anyone in childhood (or adulthood). Many of us have our own theories of the cause of our orientation. I have heard the following (often contradictory) explanations: early childhood sexual experiences, lack of early childhood sexual experiences, emotionally distant parents, emotionally suffocating parents, weak father and dominating mother, sex-negative or authoritarian parents, permissive parents, and others. Most of these causes were proposed for homosexuality, then rejected for lack of consistent evidence. I think the same is true for BL. Good luck in your search for an understanding of yourself! Mark |
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