Not your fault
Submitted by flyhibye on February 27 2001 01:16:26
In reply to How old? submitted by Forgotten on February 25 2001 02:24:18
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Oh, you don't need my forgiveness. It's not your fault and you never did me wrong. And I don't think you would ever do something like that. It happened when I was 4. It is true though, that you want to get rid of that horrible feeling by doing it yourself; a true paradox. But originally I mostly messed around because of curiosity, and because I already knew about "doing it." Being from a highly structured family, and my already timid personality, this event hit my soul hard. It smashed my faith and trust in people. I started actually doing sexual things a few months afterwards with some other boys in our church. It was like an emotional high, I was happy then. But my mind was in conflict. The preacher taught me that people who have sex before marriage, gay sex, or anything else "bad" would go to hell. And my vision of hell was what had happened in the bathroom when the highschool group was suppose to be looking after me. The very thought of that sent me into a huge spiral of depression. And the thought that I taught the other kids to be promiscuous didn't help. Basically I condemned myself to hell by age 7, found my bestest of best friend at 8, lost my bestest of best friend at 10, had one sexual encounter with a girl in 7th grade whom I loved dearly and she moved, and loved a 6 year old boy while I was in 9th grade. Throughout this time my parents made me attend church but I could never sing the hymns because I felt I wasn't good enough to praise God. I still think whether or not I'm going to heaven at all. I feel responsibe for leading one person to suicide and tarnishing others' lives. Many times I wondered where I would go when I died. Sometimes I wished that that man had killed me then and there so I might remain pure in God's eyes. I know I can't change the past, but I also have a hard time moving on in life. Thanks for being my ear Forgotten. I can't talk about this in school, church, to my parents and a slew of other people. If you have aim and would like to chat, email me and we can exchange usernames. Cya later, flyhibye |
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