I know how you feel
Submitted by Collin on April 18 2001 08:50:31
In reply to Why God, did you make me this way???!!! submitted by Finny12 on March 12 2001 16:52:57
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I found this place a long time ago, but didn't even read any of the posts that I can remember. I guess at the time I didn't think I needed it much, since things were going so well. Then back last month things started to get hard for Max and I, and I really needed some people to talk to. Sadly enough this forum was down, but I managed to start working through some things myself. John Doe posted some great reasons why we love boys, about how we make a difference in their lives. We really really do. Right now I'm still struggling with Max and his changing personality and adolescence and sometimes it can really seem like I've made no headway or brought no positive change. But even still, we know in our hearts that we truly love the boys we are with, with a passion not just of attraction but of brotherhood and paternal nurturance- and that alone makes all the difference in the world. I know your also struggling with how the world sees you, how you percive God as seeing you, and with your own self-worth and guilt. We all go through that at times, as human beings not just as BoyLovers. Still, it's all just perception- how you see it, how they see it, who sees what. All you have to do is focus on one point: when you 'look at a boy and immediately find the boy within.' I don't know if you meant the "real boy" inside the one your looking at or the boy that's still inside you, but that right there, at that very moment, you have already begun on a complelty different path then the one a true ChildMolester would take. You see a boy and try and relate and identify with him, you long to be close and provide for their needs-- whereas a CM would simply see prey, a sexual object that arouses them, and then try to figure out how he can get what he wants from them. We are not like them at all, but the everything around us tells us we are, simply because we have the same sexual attractions. Let me share something that has helped me when trying to understand things: Certainly we can all agree there are heterosexual rapists, and surely there are homosexual rapists. Now if I told you I was straight, would you assume that I was out raping women? Or how about if I told you I was gay, would you think I must be taking advantage of men in my basement? Of coarse not! But what would you think, what if I was real enough to tell you I was attracted not just to men, but to teen boys? What if I even told you "Five year old boys really turn me on..." Ah, see! The perception changes. Why should anyone percieve our sexual orientation as being indiciative of a corrupt moral system? No, just as there are sick heterosexuals and gays there are also sick people attracted to children. But we are not them. Sexual orientation or attraction doesn't say one damn thing about who we are or what we can become. It's not by choice we have sexual attractions, it's only what we do with them that we can control. This principle is so common it's not even thought of when dealing with heterosexuals, and even gays- but it is the same way with us or any other "deviant." Your guilt is still that, with your concern and care, you feel sexual desire and attractions you've been trained to despise and fear. We've all been raised in societies where we've been trained that sexual desires for children, especially boys, make us evil- the lowest most wreched monsters known to humankind. To put it bluntly? That's bull shit. And you know it, but often you don't feel it. Don't let the world hold you down, you have a higher calling. If it's the pulpit that chains your love, then find a new one, if it's your own self inflicted guilt that drives you to tears, reconsider your underlieing belifes, if you honestly feel like you have an issue with God Himself, then pray, read scripture, and seek guidance here. But never ever give up loving. The psalmist was right when they wrote that without love we have nothing- and for us, it's all that is keeping us from truly becoming the monsters people think we are. Breath deep, seek peace, keep it real. - Collin |
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