The answer
Submitted by Forgiven on August 30 2001 17:58:01
In reply to Who has a YF? submitted by Huck Finn on August 28 2001 23:52:10
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of course depends on what you mean by a YF - but perhaps this is an opportunity for me to talk about where I am at, and allow you to tell me if I am doing well or badly... The person who is the nearest thing in my life to a YF has just left after a great evening together; I cooked him a basic meal, then we watched a couple of Star Trek Episodes, Men in Black and a 'Seven Days' episode. And we drank some alcohol.... (PAUSE FOR EFFECT) :-) He's 20 - has got a girl friend - knows I'm a BL - and still is happy to be a part of my (celibate) life. I've used the phrase 'the least unimportant person' about where he is at in my life to him, and that is pretty accurate; I can imagine someone becoming more important than him - in that sense there is a vacancy in my life that someone else could come in and fill - but at the moment.... So how did we get here? For the past 6 and a half years I've hosted a group of four teenagers on a regular basis in my home - up to about 8 weekends a year. Initially it started with my nephew, then 14, who then bought a friend from where he lived, and two boys I knew at church; the weekends consisted of board games, videos and pizza - a winning combination. And they were and still are totally innocent. Things nearly went wrong two years later when the senior pastor of my church heard about them and felt that as the link to the boys was via church, he had some responsibility for what was going on (the junior pastor knew it was happening, and both knew that I was a BL). The initial response was to tell me to stop inviting them; I negotiated this to telling the parents - who were great and coped, though chose to tell the boys - who were unconcerned. Indeed in retrospect I am pleased that this occurred, as it freed us to be more real with each other - but it was a bad few weeks as the crisis played out. So at the start of his junior high year, I invited one of the two locals along to an adult alpha course (a discussion based course introducing the Christian faith). He really blossomed in that - often being the first one to open up the discussion sessions - and I got to see him once a week in a safe environment. But that came to an end - and I started to invite him over for evenings on his own - and we never really looked back after that. There was a stage when I'd seemed to make an especially big effort for him - cooked a turkey - and I think he felt a bit uncomfortable, so had the amazing maturity to make clear that he didn't want there to be a sexual component to the friendship - which I was, and am, entirely happy about. And so things have continued - we've both had some bad moments which we've been able to share..... My only regret is that at the moment he's given up on the church; I suspect that it is largely that he knows that his present lifestyle is inconsistent with the demands of God, although he does have a complex theological argument to justify his rejection of God. It is my hope that he will one day find his way back to God, though at the moment that is hard to see happening. And what of the other 3 teenagers? They've become good friends - my nephew's friend coming to university locally, so I got to see quite a bit of him during that period; and the other guy from the church is a significant positive part of my life - though I'm nothing like as close as I am to him as to the other one - we've just got less in common. Perversely my nephew is the one who has never lived locally, so I've never seen that much of!! But overall I have absolutely no doubt that they all were a 'God send' - we have greatly enriched each other's lives, and the friendships grew so naturally and appropriately. My strongest advice when looking at such a relationship in your own life is to be brutally honest about how much of sexual attraction there is, and how far it has other elements. To the extent that it wouldn't be important to you without the sexual attraction, to that extent the relationship is a problem one. With my present YF that issue IS resolved - and as a result it is a friendship of great warmth and safety...... |
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