May or may not be helpful
Submitted by Jules on September 24 2001 18:34:35
In reply to A question about sexual fantasies submitted by Dusk on September 22 2001 22:31:30
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Hey Dusk, I wasn't sure whether to reply or not, simply because I'm not someone who's got rid of sexual fantasies. But in the end I've decided I will, in case anything is helpful anyway. I don't think it's realistic for a human being to live without some form of sexual life. I know that some have chosen a path of spiritual celibacy in which all sexual energy is redirected to the pursuit of spiritual depth. I don't know if this is really successful for many, or not. But it's a minority thing. Whatever you think of your sexual fantasies, you've at least started on the right way by acknowledging them. This is something I've also been able to do. There are many different directions you could take in practice. Maybe you've thought of all of them, but it may help to see them all laid out. Then for each one, ask yourself whether you would do it or not, and why: 1. Go and fulfil your fantasies with anyone you can find. 2. Go and find a long-term partnet to fulfil yourself with. 3. Enjoy the full release of sex on your own. 4. Deny yourself and keep fantasy only in the mind. 5. Find a contructive way to understand and redirect your fantasies into something else. Maybe the dream anaylsis that JohnQ talked about. Maybe there are other ways in between. If you believe in God in some form, then you also have the separate option of letting God in on the act in each of the above, or keeping it separate from God. Number 1 I think most of us would reject. 2 is a choice made by some. I'm using number 3. I feel happy with it. 4 didn't work for me. Not because it could never work, but simply because my reason for trying it was guilt. While I was bound by guilt every time I "gave in" it only made things worse. You haven't really said whether you feel guilty about your fantasies, only that they're disrupting your life. If guilt is there, it needs exposing and dealing with. Just an aside if you are feeling guilty, and it's caused by religious beliefs about sin. Again, I don't know if you are a Christian or not, so ignore it if it doesn't apply: I've learnt that feeling guilty each time I "fall into sin" isn't the right response. It isn't the way God wants us to respond. Feeling overly guilty over specific thoughts or actions is really a sign that we don't truly believe in God's forgiveness. Think of it in terms of a parent-child relationship, because that's a metaphor that Jesus taught us to use. How does a parent want their child to feel when they've done something wrong? Surely it's for the child to feel totally forgiven having acknowledged her weakness, rather than to keep feeling guilty. The parent wants to talk with the child about why they did it, so that she learns to understand herself better and maybe behave differently another time. So for us and God, the right response for us is to believe that we are instantly forgiven, and therefore not to bear any guilt. At the same time we should identify the deeper cause of our thought or action and if necessary confess it to God as an area of failing and need. I say "if necessary" because there are some things that the church has tended to make us feel guilty for that we have no need to feel guilty for at all. Sexual desire is the most obvious example. Sexual desire is natural, and fantasy is part of that desire. Sexual fantasy in itself is not wrong. It's how we use it. If I allow it normal expression in a relationship or alone, I don't see that it harms me or anyone else, or my relationship with God, and I don't need to feel guilty for it. Of course, if I find that my sexual fantasy is about things that I don't believe God wants me to do in practice, then I have to face that fact that my fantasy is slightly "off target". This is part of being imperfect. But that's no reason for guilt. And it's no reason to reject the fantasy. It's something to explore in God's presence and find out why it's "off target", and whether there are any underlying hurts to be healed. God wants to heal us rather than punish us. If the area of your fantsies is incompatible with your beliefs about what you would do in practice, then one is off target - either the fantasy or the beliefs - but you should be able to live with the tension if this is not resolved. Number 5 in the list is maybe something to aim at if you're sure that your beliefs will never change to match your fantasies, or if you've found that your fantasies so far are not changing to match your beliefs. But I don't know how to get there! For me number 3 is where I'm at for now, and conscious that God is there. One final thought that I've had recently. As a test. How would I feel if I were married and spent a lot of the day at work thinking about my wife. About her body, fantansising. Then I came home and we have unrestrained sexual passion.... Does any of this fall outside my comfort zone? Does my conscience react against it? If so, then I have some deep-seated guilt related to sex that has to be dealt with. I think I'm dealing with mine at the moment as I think through this. My conscience must be such that I would allow myself all that with a wife. If at the moment my conscience reacts against any of it, then my conscience is being too hard on me. And that's probably due to my strict upbringing. But that's another story. It's time for bed now, so that it's for today. Glad you've found us and shared so honestly. And do stay around. You write very precisely so you're obviously a deep thinker! Hope you can contribute to us more! With Christian love, Jules |
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