breathe

We always imagine things to be much worse than what they are, especially when we think of all the bad things that might result from our being "outed". I think you are overreacting, and this is why I say that: 1) My mother found out about a sexual encounter I had with a male friend -- she had somehow intercepted a letter I sent him which was probably the most sexual letter I'd ever written anyone! When I came home one day, she asked me some questions about him to make me think that she knew something, and she was probably doing it as a way to get more info out of me (by trying to make me think she already knew everything). I was actually able to laugh it off in a way and said, "Oh, we were just messing around. All guys do it. Mom, you know I like girls!" This male friend still shows up in my life every now and then, and I know my mother remembers, but she doesn't bring it up anymore. By the way, my mom has been very vocal about her dislike for gays. She doesn't hate gays, but the thought of a gay sexual relationship shakes up her old-fashioned ideals. However, out of all the other things she brings up out of my past to beat me over the head with, she doesn't bring this incident up. I don't know how similar your situation is, but it's probably not going to be as bad as you think. 2) This same male friend has other friends who are also my friends. He used to hint at our relationship to his friends by making a joke out of something we did the night before, but our friends never ever took it seriously. It's been 10 years since our sexual relationship, and he has yet to share any of it with any of our mutual friends. We've had our bad and good times, but he's never tried to use our past as a weapon against me. Occasionally he'll say something like, "You'd still like to... [do such and such] wouldn't you?" I just ignore him, especially since we both have had very serious heterosexual relationships since then. In your case, I wouldn't worry about your friend telling on you. He probably wants to keep it as much a secret as you do. And if you did nothing worth keeping a secret, then why worry? You're probably over-reacting, and I doubt your brother and mother will make the connections. I mean, how much does your brother and your mother really know? How can you be so sure they're going to get some kind of "revelation" about you when they hardly know anything? If you want, you may try to throw them off track by doing or saying certain things. What things? I don't know, but you can probably come up with something. 3) My girlfriend had her suspicions that I was in love with her son. And I was in love with her son. (I didn't do anything with him). But I was afraid that she'd think all kinds of awful things about me if she found out that I find little boys sexually attractive. Every once in awhile she'd test me by making me think she knew more about me than what I've told her. She'd ask certain questions, or say "so-and-so said this about you..." when no one said anything. My mind could have taken off in a million directions thinking all kinds of awful things. At times, I felt like I should confess everything and just get it out in the open -- so that I wouldn't have the burden of hiding this side of myself and then I could get some relief. But in the end, I was VERY thankful that I didn't crack under any of the pressures of my mother, my friend, and my girlfriend. I was only over-reacting, thinking things were much worse than what they were. My advice: Just breathe. Give it some time. You may not have to do anything. Your mom may never say anything again. And your brother probably knows nothing. I think a lot of the worry is coming from things you're imagining. I know it was the same for me. Just take a break for awhile from all your worries. Time does fix a lot of things. Just rest and wait. Don't act too quickly. Keep us updated though, in case things change. Peace!