Your wife sounds like a sweetheart

It's awfully nice that you have her to stand by you and that you've been able to find others to try to help. Perhaps it would help if you put this matter into the context of general sexuality: Do you think that all nonpedophiles spend their lives having pure, unlustful thoughts? Mind you, your situation sounds bad, but no worse than that of many nonpedophiles I know. So I think you need to separate two issues you're dealing with: the fact that you're attracted to boys, and the fact that you're obsessed with them. Obsession doesn't necessarily follow upon attraction, and it sounds as though your troubles are arising from the obsession part. If you're dealing with control issues, some sort of recovery support might indeed be useful; since therapists don't seem to be helping, you might see whether peer support groups help. There's an online support group, Healing Together, that you might find useful (I've linked to it below). The members might be able to give you advice about real-life groups. But I think that part of your problem may be that you're tackling too much at one time. Some people experience change in their sexual feelings; some don't. Even if you're the latter, you can still find ways to control yourself. What I've heard from people who have undergone sexual change is that it's usually not a good idea to try to tackle change directly; rather, you should try to deal with any underlying problems in your life and see what the results are. The results might be a change in your feelings, or it might simply be getting your feelings under control so that they don't take over your life as they do now. Lack of sexual control can have many causes; I wouldn't want to speculate as to what the causes are in your case, but certainly unnecessary guilt can get in the way of healing. Keep reminding yourself of what (as a Christian) you already know: that to be tempted is not a sin. Jesus was tempted in the desert; he agonized in Gethsemane. If he hadn't been tempted and agonized, he wouldn't have shared in our humanity. If you don't relate to God when you're undergoing temptation, then you're not relating to the God that Christ revealed, the one who begged his Father not to have to be crucified, the one who had Satan whisper in his ear. Times of torment and temptation are precisely the moments when you are closest to Jesus; these are the moments when you are most likely to break through to purity. The history of the saints (starting with Paul) reveal that it is the greater sinners who climb highest. People who aren't tempted to sin have a far harder road to travel. But you already know this; it's right there in the Gospels. And when the Pharisees saw it, they said unto his disciples, Why eateth your Master with publicans and sinners? But when Jesus heard that, he said unto them, They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick. But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. Heather [E-mail]   [Home Page] Healing Together