Re: My Past
Submitted by Splash! on November 2 2001 23:57:50
In reply to My Past submitted by Micheal on November 2 2001 11:55:46
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First off, let me say that I'm glad you found us and feel comfortable about talking with us. But there's a couple things that bother me about your post. You say you've found God and yet you talk of thoughts of suicide. I fear for you and hope you work on your relationship with God. Reading the Bible always helps me -- pick a book like John, and read through that, and pray and talk with God as you're reading it, and then during the rest of the week when you're thinking about what you've read and how it applies to you and your relationship with God -- just keep talking with God. Don't beat yourself up about your past. You're a new man now. Yes, there may continue to be consequences to your sin, even if you feel it undeserved -- which brings me to the other part of your post that concerns me. You said, "I never forced any boy into something that he didn't want to." We hear this so often, and yet I have a difficult time believing it. For many reasons. ...okay, maybe you didn't force any boy, but if it weren't for you, would the boy have done the same thing with another adult male without the man seducing the boy in some way? I just have a hard time believing that every boy you've ever been involved with has always been the sole instigator of any kind of relationship you've had with them. Remember, we need to confess our sins before we can be forgiven of them. You've got to give this totally over to God so you can have peace with it. Don't hold onto it by saying, "Well, I didn't really..." or "He wanted it to!" You were the adult. You had the authority. You were in a position of responsibility. You had more control over the situation than anyone. In the same way that a preacher is held accountable for his flock, adults are held accountable for the children placed in their care. Because of some of your choices, you may have affected some of these boys for their whole lives -- the way they think, act, live, behave, etc. Was it for the best? How do we know? One way is to check your motivation. Why did you do the things you did. If it was for your flesh, then how do you think that affected the boys? Did it make them more godly, more holy, bring them closer to the Lord? When you say, "Its hard everytime I want to talk to a boy because I know that if the parent recognizes who I am, its over. I am not like I was in the past, I am not trying to talk to boys now so I can get in there pants, I am talking to boys now because I want to be there friends," it sounds to me like you're trying to convince yourself (and maybe others) that you're a good boylover now. Maybe you're not. What if some of these parents start feeling comfortable about you again? What if some of them let their kids stay the night with you? What kinds of thoughts and fantasies go through your mind right now in the middle of the night? What kinds of thoughts will be there if a boy were staying the night? How can you be so sure that you're cured and would never touch a boy like that again? I think you might be fooling yourself. But I really don't know you, so I can't say for sure. I just want you to question yourself. Talk to God about these things. Maybe I'm being to harsh toward you. I don't know. But I do fear for you and any boy that might end up alone with you. I hope you know where you really stand. God says we're not to have any idols. Our God is a jealous God. If you dare put anything before Him, God says that He is no longer Lord because no man can have two masters for he'll love the one and hate the other. We are told to love God more than our wives and children. Who do you love most? These are just rhetorical questions -- I'm not expecting an answer. But I think these are things you should ask yourself. I ask them of myself all the time. Please, if you have any questions, ask them here. There are many caring and intelligent people who are willing to help and be here for you. Peace! Splash |
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