infantilism etc
Submitted by martin on November 14 2001 03:46:16
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This time it's me in the library! I'm sitting here in a white suit and black bow-tie after chauferring my (VERY nervous)son and his lady friend (in my friend's red sportz car!) to his year 10 formal. So, been reading recent posts, incl the ones about infantilism. I can really identify with some of those. I'm sure a lot of my bl comes from my brother drowning when he was 3 and I was 5. We'd been inseparable till then, I have no memories of him before that - and only of his funeral (but remember heaps of other stuff from that time); he was really cute and angelic and everyone loved him and I had glasses and was loud and naughty and attention-seeking . . . And now I love the cute boys - though they're the 15/16 yr old ones, the cute curly-blond surfies that were so cool when I was the nerd. I'm sure I got "stuck" somehow at that age, and the info/teaching I've had about sexual orientation (especially homo-) aetiology/origins talks about getting stuck at a certain age. Someone else in a post refereed to accountability, and I just want to say how important I feel that is, for someone to be concerned enough to gently probe and ask me how I'm going with my often overpowering desires, obsessions, etc. Esp seeing I'm starting to drift back into the cruising beats looking for the ever-elusive Adonis, to see him wanking . . . I don't know about you guys, but I suspect you're as devious and sneaky as me in trying to satisfy your urges, and "just this once"-ing, and it starts to develop into old patterns....-and the SECRETIVEness, the FURTIVEness and HIDDENness seem to, Oh, fuel it all so much more. Then you're at the loo, and you have your wonderful "hit" watching some guy jerk off (much older than the teen you wanted, but, hey, you've gotta take what comes [so to speak]) and then all the guilt and shame starts washing over, and you think "what's the use", etc. I just personally find it's really, REALLY useful having a friend who cares enough to gently challenge me every now and again. So few do. Even my very enlightenend therapist doesn't and I've gotta make a point of telling him when things are starting to get out of control again. Hey guys, it's SOOOOOOOOOOO good having Christian brothers on this site, UNDERSTANDING EXACTLY where you're at. I'm starting to relax . . . Library's closing. Better go. Love. (Yes, love, my friends) in precious Jesus (I think/ hope, whatever, um ....) Martin |
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