Further Thoughts
Submitted by Ender3306 on November 18 2001 17:43:39
In reply to Guilt and BL submitted by Ender3306 on November 16 2001 21:47:19
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Hey guys, Wow, I guess I wanted to say first that you've all given me a lot to think about, and I really appreciate everyone's advice. I wanted to explain a little bit further where this guilt is coming from, and I guess a little bit about me. Its funny.. in a way, what I have right now is what I always dreamed of having, two, three, four years ago... the impossible dream that I thought would never come true - knowing a boy who loves me as much as I love him, and wants to be close to me, and needs my affection and a good hug as much as I need his. Its amazing, beautiful, and of course scary as anything :) In regards to who initiates it... this has been one of the things I've been really careful about from the begining of our relationship... he was the one who first put his head in my lap, wanted a hug, etc... the thing is that I can't say I completely trust that I've been impartial.. to say that would be an insult to your intelligence and my own - I know I've sent out signals.. I've just tried to be as careful and as conscious as I can to make sure that he was the one in control of the relationship. I don't know if I've done a perfect job, but I've tried. The biggest problem, and why the guilt is there, has a lot to do with the fact that I honestly feel like him and I have to be secret about our relationship. When we're alone, I'm totally comfortable with the kissing, but I'd feel insanely nervous if I knew his parents were watching. This has made me very jumpy at time when we're together at his house.. like when he was laying all over me when we were watching a movie in the basement and his mom came down... now in that situation its not like I was doing anything wrong or immoral, but he WAS laying all over me and I -WAS- enjoying it. And there's nothing I can say that would deny that, because to me spending those moments with him and I together are the most amazing thing in the world. And yet I worry a lot about how this will affect him, because I know he's picked up on my nervousness, and this means that to a certain extent he probably feels like he's doing something bad. The fact is that the two of us love each other in a way that is pretty dang unusual :) I wish that would be totally ok, but I feel like it isn't, and the fact that we could be "found out" does scare me. In terms of what I "fantasize" about. Here's the honest answer - no sex, nothing rated R. The two of us being "romantic".. yes... holding him in my arms and no letting go.. you bet :) Taking him to Disney World? All the time :) I'd be lying though if I didn't say it was a sexual feeling I have towards him. Although nowadays the sheer power of unconditional love kind of takes that over, since we've spent so much time together. But for the most part I don't worry about doing anything too inappropriate... but it still scares me if his parents knew just how much their son meant to me. Of course, mabye they DO know and I'm just the paranoid one :) I dont know if I'm making sense anymore, I just wish I could sort all this out and get on with enjoying the fact that something in my life for a change has gone amazingly right.... - Ender |
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