Re: Do you feel this way too?

My older brother was my dad's first son, and my dad spent a lot of time with him to make my brother be like my dad. From the start, my dad didn't spend as much time with me -- he already had his son, his friend -- he didn't need me also, I guess. My dad was never the kind who'd want to play ball with me, or get down on my level, wrestle, play games, kid around, etc. He wasn't affectionate at all, except he'd let me kiss him when I said goodbye to him at the end of a weekend or vacation trip. But even then, if he hugged me, it was only for a few seconds. And that was VERY rare. I really missed having a father who loved me as his son. He never gave me advice or tried to guide me in any particular direction. Whenever we did anything, it was me trailing along doing what he wanted to do. He rarely ever showed up for anything I did -- except to make that "necessary"? fatherly appearance at some school event. It still hurts today. I had so much love to give, but when it's not being reciprocated, it just sits and rots. And I was starving for love from my father, or any male role-model. If an older man did show me attention, I'd try to win his affection by doing something else to impress him. I tried to impress my own male friends. And then as I got older, I tried to be "cool" in the eyes of younger males so that they would look up to me. The love came easiest from the younger ones, because like me, they were also from broken families and starving for attention from other males. I'm not sure what's behind all this psycho-babble -- but there must be truth in here somewhere that explains why many of us are the way we are. And still, here I am, in a job working with boys and girls, and yet the boys in particular are able to pick up some kind of "vibe" off of me, and they hang around me all day, 10-14 year olds. Honestly, I give as much attention to the girls as I do the boys, I am just as nice to the girls and talk with them just as much, but the boys are always the ones who want to hang around me, constantly. I currently have 7 boys who have volunteered, separately, all on their own (without my asking) to help me with my work. No girls. Why? I think it might have to do with that male-bonding that I mentioned a few sentences back. I'm drawn to them, and they are drawn to me -- without any manipulation from either of us. What else can it be but spiritual? And for me, I believe it is good spiritual. I give God the glory for the positive effect I've had on their lives, and I have stopped wondering why. I'm just thankful.