Re: I'm at my wits end
Submitted by Jules on December 31 2001 17:07:34
In reply to I'm at my wits end submitted by Matthew on December 31 2001 04:28:59
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Welcome Matthew, "I feel a bit better already." Glad you've found us! You've got a lot to think through, but no more than many of us have also had to think through. It takes a long time to unravel 18 years of suppressed feelings. It's worth knowing that feelings are sometimes misleading. Sometimes they are just plain wrong. You say you're afraid to see boys in public because people will know what you're thinking. But if you think it through logically, people can't know what you're thinking. Yes, they can tell if you're on edge, but they won't know why. Your main problem is the being on edge, not the being attracted to boys. You need to teach yourself not to be afraid. And that will take practice, but it's not impossible. Something that really helped me in my early days when I felt like you do now was being invited to a family home where the father had a lot of physical contact and affection with his sons. It helped me realise that there's a lot of physical affection that's perfectly normal and good (especially since I hadn't had much in my family). Don't turn down any opportunity to visit good families! You feel dirty, like a monster. But that's not the correct way to feel. You are not a monster, you're a human being. Say to yourself, "I am not a monster, I'm a human being." Say it out loud if there's no-one else there. There's no reason any sexual feelings need to be seen as evil. If you spend some time reading some popular psychology books you'll realise that all sexual desire arises from a legitimate need for love and intimacy. If the object of your desire is different from what the majority of people expect, then it's because your experience of life so far has been different from the majority (and you've shared some of those - being raped is a major thing, maybe having even more effect than you realise yet), but that doesn't make the desires themselves wrong, just directed differently. If your personal morals or society's norms don't allow you to act on those feelings, then that's a separate matter. Don't ever try to change your morals, but do learn to understand your own desires. Read, and learn. Learn to "own" your feelings rather than "disown" them. You say the world will never accept you, but isn't that a bit of an exaggeration? I agree most people in the world wouldn't accept you if you'd abused a boy and been convicted for it, but that's not the case. You can find acceptance. Firstly, you've already found it here; secondly you could well find it in the right group of other people in real life. Some people here have great stories of being accepted by their church and/or pastor even though they know they are attracted to boys. I found understanding and a willingness to help me in my church, even when I had got too affectionate with a boy and got into trouble. The irony is that I'd have been afraid to tell them I was attracted to boys before, because I thought I'd be rejected; but once it came out in a bad way, I found that even then I wasn't rejected, and wished I had told someone before after all. You have to pick the right person to tell, though, and the longer you spend with us here, the more advice you can get on that. And then, with regard to your fiancee, you say you do love her. Loving someone means putting their best interests first, so you should be more concerned for her sexual fulfilment than yours. So you have a choice. Either you can learn to fulfil her needs regardless of yours, or you can leave. But I think leaving her without explaining would be unfair on her. If she isn't happy, and suggests you split up that's another matter. I've heard the story of a prominent pastor here in the UK who, according to the papers, left his wife for a younger man. Put like that it seems heartless. But I imagine what actually happened was a more drawn-out process in which she made a decision as well. You said you don't have any sexual feelings for your fiancee any more. Does that mean you used to have? If so, where have those feelings gone? You may not be able to work this out on your own, but you might find out by doing some reading on relationships. (I'm guessing you're the sort of person who prefers to read about something rather than go to a counsellor - like me!) Finally, you said you'll never change. That's not true. Everyone changes. I know what you meant, though. But even if you never stop being attracted to boys, that doesn't mean you can't also be attracted to women again if you delve deep. Some people seem to think that sexual attraction is like the needle on a dial; either it swings one way towards boys, or it swings the other way, towards girls and women; it's one or the other, but not both. But I prefer to think of sexual attraction like a bar chart. There are separate columns for boys and girls, and women, and so on, with the bar in each column saying how much I am attracted to each. The bar in each column can grow independently of the others. I used to think that I wasn't attracted to women very much, because I was attracted to boys. But now I realise that there was a totally separate reason why I wasn't attracted to women very much. As I've started to deal with that reason, I've found I am attracted to more women than before, even though I still love boys as much as ever. I hope you don't find this too long; it's just my way of dealing with things by saying what I think all at once! With best wishes for the new year and all it brings. Now you've started out on this journey of self-discovery, may you reach a happy destination! Jules |
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