Re: for Ben
Submitted by tigris on January 8 2002 09:25:17
In reply to Re: for Ben submitted by Ben on January 8 2002 07:42:58
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You know, I am finding that this stage I am going through has actually been beneficial to me. I am thinking through things that I have never thought through before. I am depending on God more than ever too. I believe that I am handling this in a godly, biblical way, so I am growing closer to God as a result. I am just waiting for my feelings and emotions to catch up with the rest of me. I say this because I have been paying closer attention to why I am feeling this way (depressed). I believe that there are several causes. One of them goes right along with what you were saying. I have a big void in my life because I never really felt accepted by anyone. The reason was because I couldn't (and still can't) totally relate to people when they talk about falling in love or when I was younger and they would talk about girls and stuff. I avoided those conversations. I still do. One of the kids that I am really close to recently met a girl that he really really likes. He talks about her all the time. At first it bothered me tremendously. I had a really hard time with it. I was bothered by the fact that it bothered me too. I was trying to figure out why I was so upset by it. I admit that a small part of it was the fact that I wasn't the most important person in his life any more (which really wasn't ever true to begin with, it was just my wishful thinking), but a larger part was a revisiting of my life as a child. Knowing that I was deprived of such a basic feeling and experience-- falling in love with the opposite sex. I just get very sad and almost angry about it. Why am I like this? Why does this seem to separate me from society so much? Why do I feel like I have to live a double life? Why can't I ever really relate to my friends? It's enough to send me over the edge. But, I was thinking this morning as I woke up. The verse about how when children ask their fathers for bread, he doesn't give him a stone. Our heavenly father also gives good gifts, the verse says, and even more so because he is God. I have prayed about this. I still have it. If God has allowed this to continue, I have to believe that it is a good gift. Even if it doesn't always feel like it, I have to believe that everything that he allows or does to, through, and for me is motivated by love. So, the logical conclusion is that I am a boylover because God loves me. What is my primary purpose for being on earth? Is it to experience intimacy with other people and to get married? No, but those are good things. My primary purpose, above all else, should be to know God more. To develop a deeper relationship with him. Striving to reach any other goal may bring success, but not true fulfillment. I may be able to develop intimate relationships with other people, but what will that do for me? A relationship with God will be more beneficial for me. As I said when I started out this post, this experience recently has brought me closer to God. So, I guess I am achieving my true goal through this. So it is a good gift. It just isn't fun. The Bible never said that every fun gift comes from God. It says that every good and perfect gift comes from God. So, to answer your question, I can relate to what you were saying. I am struggling, yes, but it's all good. I just keep telling myself that. tigris |
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