Re: err...that problem i talked about heh
Submitted by Jules on January 12 2002 10:07:58
In reply to err...that problem i talked about heh submitted by foxfire on January 10 2002 17:37:21
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Hi foxfire, I know what you mean about feeling bad about masturbation. I feel like that sometimes if I've done it because of uncontrolled fantasies. Sometimes I get drawn into looking on the net for pictures of boys, in the hope of finding that "one perfect boy" that I can fall in love with for ever, and I get more and more annoyed when I always want to look for just one more... If I masturbate then, it feels really bad afterwards, and I know it's because I'm not in control. I've let myself get carried away with it, and I know I've just been wasting time. But there is another way of approaching it that I've learnt. Enjoying sex, and thinking sexy thoughts, is not wrong. That's what most married people do with their partner all the time. They enjoy making love; they may well have fantasies in their mind at the time as well. I don't see that's wrong. Plus, as the others have said, it's natural to ejaculate from time to time. There's nothing wrong with sex. There's nothing wrong with sexual imagination, as such. So what is it that you and I feel is wrong when we masturbate? I think it's the compulsiveness. The feeling of not being in control. So what's the solution? I've concluded that it's a good thing to do to deliberately choose a time to masturbate, like I would deliberately choose a time to make love with a partner. Don't do it compulsively. If you feel that desire coming, practice saying "No, but I will do it at such and such a time instead." Just saying "No" doesn't work. Choose a time when you have lots of time, and do it in a relaxed way. Instead of trying to get to orgasm as quickly as possible, try making it all last as long as possible. Learn to control your arousal, then you won't ever feel that's got control over you. I find a good time is going to bed early after a hard day's work, or lying in on a Saturday morning. If you have an imaginary partner, I don't think that's necesssarily bad in itself. Of course if it's someone you know and like in real life, it might be bad if it means you're going to think about sex even more next time you see them. But if it's someone you don't see in real life, or just someone imaginary, I don't see it does any harm. I've found I can imagine my perfect partner much more easily than finding a picture on the net, and without the associated frustration and guilt at wasting time! I don't know much about sexual ethics in Islam but, whatever people might have taught you, I'd encourage you to think for yourself about why something might be right or wrong. The Christian Bible doesn't have any clear prohibition against masturbation, although the Roman Catholic church does interpret one part of the Bible in a way that they use to say it is wrong. But I disagree with the interpretation, and so do many Christians, maybe most of the folk here. In Christianity, we have a saying of Jesus, that "a man who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Some people think this means sexual imagination is evil. I don't think that's the point at all. Jesus said it to make people realise that it's not enough just to keep to certain rules of outward behaviour; what really matters is your thought life, from which your behaviour comes. But it also means that it's bad to imagine something that would be wrong in real life. The woman in Jesus's saying was obviously meant to be someone else's wife, otherwise he wouldn't have used the word for adultery. So it's wrong to imagine having sex with someone else's partner, or with lots of different people, because that would be harmful to do in real life (in most cultures at least!). Why is it wrong to imagine? Because imagining something makes us more likely to do it for real, and even before this it affects the way we relate to that person. But to imagine sex with one partner in a committed relationship isn't wrong, because it would be good and proper to do in real life. As an aside, I've sometimes found myself imagining that my ideal partner is a young woman, instead of a boy, and again this is something that would be even more acceptable to society in real life, so I really don't have a problem with imagining it. I'd even say it's good for me to imagine having sex with a woman, because it might give me more confidence to eventually find a female life-partner in real life. So I suppose what I'm saying (and I've never really said it like this before - I must read it afterwards and see if I agree with myself...) is don't fight your sexual fantasies, but instead nurture them towards things that would be acceptable in real life. You can't get rid of sex. It's a natural part of life. Trying to get rid of it will always fail, unless you have that very special gift of celibacy, which from the sounds of it, you don't! Plan your masturbation, and enojy it! With best wishes, Jules |
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