Re: my story in response to splash
Submitted by Splash! on January 29 2002 01:30:59
In reply to my story in response to splash submitted by tigris on January 28 2002 22:24:35
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Thanks tigris for all you said. I was hoping for, but not expecting, such a detailed reply. I'm very thankful for all you said, and I think it helps all of us to understand ourselves better as well. I've read your previous posts about Kenny, and I believe your concern for him is what boylove is all about -- I think the sexual part has very little to do with it and may just be a result of our passionate feelings for the boys we love (and perhaps those we want to know and love). I had somewhat of an advantage in my YF's life. I was his disciplinarian -- so if he got in trouble, he HAD to listen to me or else I could make things worse for him. Of course I was still concerned about him liking me, so I tried to be very diplomatic in the way I dealt with him. I gave him a lot of long lectures. A couple years after I moved out of the house, he thanked me for all I said. He told me that even at the times it looked like he wasn't listening, he was. I loved those times -- to be able to speak into his life. He was usually open to listening to me first thing in the morning before going to school, and then right before he went to bed when I ended our talk with a prayer and a "goodnight." Out of all the things we did together, I think I liked those times the best. A lot of the things you mentioned are similar to what other boylovers have experienced and felt. I made friends with girls very easily when I was younger, and many of my guy friends made fun of me for it. My father got along with all my siblings more than me. I was the one who'd argue with him when no one else dared to. I liked playing sports, but my brother was so much better than me that there was no way I could compare. I was well-liked by many, but mostly kept to myself. Usually my friends came looking for me; not vice versa. I had my first girlfriend when I was in third or fourth grade, and we french-kissed. I remember having to be very secretive about her since I wasn't supposed to like girls yet. And then one of my girlfriends left me for a more popular boy in fifth and sixth grade. I may have felt some rejection because of it -- as if I wasn't good enough. Like you, I also had some experiences with neighborhood boys. At the time, I thought it was part of being a boy, and that I'd grow out of it. They grew out of it. I didn't. Maybe I somehow felt rejected by them since we were no longer sharing "private" moments. It's similar to what you said: My feelings weren’t so much sexual in nature, as much as it was a desire for true friendship and acceptance. I often wonder if those experiences messed up my mind. I think the events that happened there were a defining moment in my life. I have thought about those times with the older boys many times and wished they never would have happened. What would I be like now if that didn’t happen? I wonder how much of it has to do with us seeking love from those we think we should get it from or somehow needing to feel reconciled with those we felt rejected by? (fathers, brothers, other boys) Like I said before, I don’t think that my feelings were all that sexual, just a desire for friendship and acceptance. I think this is what we look for in boys also, because we know that the love we get from them isn't sexual -- it's true friendship and acceptance. But somehow, the passion we feel for them manifests itself as sexual ("in love") feelings within us. I remember almost crying because I was so overwhelmed with love for the kids in my cabin. I didn’t know I was capable of giving and receiving such love. The kids actually missed me when I would leave for our afternoon staff meetings. I had never been missed before. I had never been popular. When the kids starting treating me like a celebrity, it was definitely an ego boost for me. I thrived on that feeling. It was like a drug for me. I was addicted to being with the kids because of the love that they showed to me. I know the feeling. It is like a high. I work with a lot of kids, and it's a great feeling to have them call our your name and say "hi" to you even though they're around their friends. One day I missed work because I was sick, and when I came back to work the next day, I was surprised to find a homemade card signed by a dozen kids and several other kids asking how I felt. They had missed me. It's a great feeling to be loved seemingly unconditionally. There were several boys that I had the opportunity to lead to Jesus Christ. That was a thrill beyond words for me. Isn't that the greatest?! There were parents who would thank me for being such a role model for their kids. That was a thrill too. I liken it to the high you get from taking certain drugs. I experienced this enjoyment of working with the boys just by experiencing the high that I got from knowing that I was impacting someone’s life. It impacted me in a deep and powerful way. I think this is the essence of boylove above all other things!! But, unfortunately, there's a struggle that goes along with it: It wasn’t until I was 25 that my life started spiraling downward. As I posted earlier, I found nude pictures of adult males and was really turned on by it. I started looking for more and stumbled across nude boys (not pornographic, more of the artistic type of pictures of boys). I became hooked on the pictures. ... It was then that my feelings toward boys changed. I started developing what you all might consider typical BL feelings. Except my feelings again are still not totally sexual in nature exactly. I have absolutely no desire to have sex with boys. I believe that God has given me a gift of celibacy. I don’t care to ever have sex. I do desire to see them naked though. And what all along was a feeling of acceptance somehow got all tied in with seeing them naked and being turned on sexually by it. This may not make total sense. I’ve never put all this in writing before, so it’s hard to put into words what I’m really trying to say. Some of this paragraph may have come across contradictory. What you say here describes what a lot of boylovers go through -- these seemingly contradictory feelings... to love a boy and yet lust after him too, but not really wanting to have sex with him. The hardest part for me to understand is where the sexual feelings come from. I love being around boys and having the ability to make a positive impact on their lives, but why do I get these sexual feelings? Like you, I also "get turned" on by the following things: I get turned on when boys truly look up to me and truly like me. I get turned on when one calls me his friend. I get turned on when they choose to be with me instead of their other friends. Same here. The other day a boy stopped talking to his girlfriend so he could be with me for awhile. He actually volunteered a half hour of his time for me when he could've been with his girlfriend instead. And this really turned me on. But why? That shouldn’t be sexual at all, but it is to me. And it didn’t used to be. Again, it all started when I started pornography. Somehow the wires got crossed. What started out as a good thing (working with kids) turned into a struggle for me. You make an interesting point, and I wonder if I were to stop entertaining certain thoughts then would my being "turned on" by boys become something different (asexual) than what it is today (sexual)? Loneliness is still an issue with me. I feel so empty inside sometimes, and I long for an intimate friendship. That is when I start being tempted to look at more pictures. It’s also when I turn to boys to spend time with (again, let me emphasize that I don’t look for them as a sexual predator would. I’m not a monster.). Both of those provide temporary relief to the demons of loneliness that plague me. I feel safer around boys. They provide unconditional love and they are much more open to receiving it. I have a new girlfriend now, and I wonder if some of these feelings will go away once I start becoming more intimate with her. I also have a fear about women -- as if I'm not good enough, and that they'll eventually drop me for someone "better." I don't get insanely jealous or obsessive or anything. Actually, the opposite. If she doesn't want me, then fine; it wasn't meant to be. I feel kind of like a wimp in this way. But part of this fear may come out of a subconscious belief I have that women will only love me for the sex I can give them, and when/if I stop being sexy, they'll leave me -- that maybe they can never really love me unconditionally like a child can. What do you think? I’ve been more aware of this flaw in my relationship with God lately. I look to other things other than him to provide me with fulfillment. I have really been seeking God lately and want to put him first. That has been a help lately with the depression and obsessing that I have been feeling a couple of months ago. One of my friends here, Andy, told me that it's our weaknesses that keep us strong. When we're aware of our weaknesses, we work on trying to overcome them by being stronger. Does that make sense? I wonder if this is the same reason God wouldn't take the thorn out of Paul's side even though Paul asked for it to be removed three times. If for no other reason it keeps us humble and reminds of us our position in relationship to God. It keeps us seeking Him and relying on Him. He's the One who desires us more than anyone else. That's pure love. And He's the only One who can give it to us. Yes, we must always remember to keep our focus on Him, and put Him above all else. Truthfully, He's the ONLY One who can give us what we need. Amen? It’s actually been helpful to put all of this in writing for me to see. Once again, tigris, thanks for sharing. I'm glad you feel it's been helpful for you. It's been helpful for me also, and I'm sure it's helpful for others who visit here. God bless!! Splash |
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