Boys and emotional support
Submitted by Jules on February 15 2002 12:35:28
In reply to Feeling really down submitted by Ben on February 11 2002 20:25:09
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Hi Ben, I can really relate to your feeling of dependence on boys for emotional stimulation. I used to do a lot of work with boys, and I really enjoyed it. I knew I found boys attractive, but I didn't think it was a problem. I knew that while I was working with boys it wouldn't be right to get close to any one boy, and I was able to make sure I didn't. But it was when I stopped working with boys (because of changing career) that things started to go wrong. I found myself staying with a family, and there was one boy that I just fell for. I became affectionate with him, but in a nervous sort of way, to the point where it became a problem for him, and I had to move on, at his parents' request. Nothing sexual had happened, but it was upsetting him emotionally. It was the worst point in my life. It was painful. That was when I realised that I had been surviving just on the excitement of being with boys, instead of real relationships. When I tried to get closer to this one boy, I was just too possessive because I was trying to get the emotional support I needed from him, and of course that didn't work. I can understand how you feel now about TJ, and really hope and pray you don't make the same mistake! The next thing that happened in my life was going to live in a residential community of young christian adults, which I had planned anyway before this had happened. No boys anywhere. That's when I had to face up to the fact that I had to find support from other adults. To put it bluntly, I had to grow up emotionally, and learn to be open with adults, to give and to receive, to support and to be supported. After three years there I can't say that it fully sorted me out, but it helped. I realise that not everyone gets this sort of experience in life; and certainly not at exactly the right time. I know I'm very privileged. There's a common public perception which says something to the effect of, "Pedophiles are adults who can't form emotional bonds with other adults." There's a lot that's wrong with that statement as a generalisation, but I think there is a partial truth hidden there. Certainly in my case I've found that starting some closer friendships with other adults make me feel much "safer", or less likely to "offend". Not that I'm being over confident, though, because that's probably the most dangerous state of all! I still have to exercise self-control. I wonder whether, in your life, there are particular adults that you can reach out to and start closer friendships with. I'm not thinking so much of your church or church house group, but perhaps one or two individuals that you can develop one-to-one friendships with. I'm sorry I forget whether you've said that your pastor is someone you relate to well, or not, but, either way, I'd recommend you find someone else other than your pastor, so that it's actually a friendship that you've both chosen to develop. With the right person, it should do a lot for both of you. I have a couple of friends like this. One is older than me, a pastor who lives a distance away, so that I only see him a couple of times a year since he moved there: he has a gift of understanding people's minds, and he helps me understand myself; the other is younger than me, but mature enough to count as the same age, and we spend time together once a month or so sharing our hopes and dreams as equal friends. And of course there's one of our brothers here who I've met once in real life, and really appreciate it if he phones me to see how I'm doing, or I phone him. In fact, I think it's time to meet up with him again... You say you must lean on God for your emotional needs. I'd say amen to that, but maybe you should expect him to provide them through other people... "God helps those who look for His help in others," or something like that. I'd love to talk with you more, but I don't always have the time to come here. Feel free to mail me if you want to. (Note that I've encoded my email address in real words, to avoid getting spam from web-bots, I hope. btw: If you don't have secure email yet, ziplip seems to be a good place at the moment.) I'd love to meet you as well sometime, but I'm guessing that we're opposite sides of a rather large ocean... With Christian love, Jules |
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