Ah - the easy question first....
Submitted by Forgiven on February 16 2002 11:28:27
In reply to Struggling submitted by Cordelia on February 16 2002 08:24:27
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I was going to suggest you go to Open Hands, but I see you've already posted there. That provides a bit more information about the situation There are a lot of questions in the world that I would prefer to answer to this one - like how to solve world hunger and what is the square root of negative one Which is to say there is no definate answer. Perhaps the most striking thing is that you are asking it; the implication is that you know the guy is struggling with this issue but is still in the ministry. How do you know that he is? If he told you, that's a helpful indicator that he's not trying it on. If he is still in the ministry suggests that he has been trusted again (though I'd be surprised to hear if that is so given the level of paranoia in society over the issue these days). The other thing you need to talk about with him is his 'Age of Attraction'. Not all BLs react to all ages of boys - my AoA is upper teens these days, but others react to much younger. Thus if your son is at present below his range, it may not be an issue at the moment, but may become more significant in the future. (Though 10-14 is the most common AoA age for boys....) Another question is the response of your children; is he really comfortable with him, or do they 'feel weird' with him. They will probably instinctively know what his motivation really is. (But make sure you ask them on their own, without him around). The good news is that we have occaisional visits from BLs who've been married for a very long time and never acted inappropriately with their sons. The bad news is that it will be a cause of concern for you until your children leave home, and in practice it will be a source of distrust at the heart of the marriage. A possible hint about what is really going on in his head is how relaxed he is about talking about it with you; if you can get to the stage where it is a casual part of shared experience (and this is going to sound odd, and you may not be able to cope with it) to the extent where he is sharing the experience of seeing cute boys as they go past as you're out walking / driving / at the mall, then that MAY be a sign that there is no guilt in his attitude to it. Given he's been through the criminal justice system, then there may be a resource within that that you could approach in terms of a psychiatrist who was involved in his treatment (if any). And find out where he's been since his release from jail - has he been 'well behaved' there. (If he's a bit vague about that, that's a really bad sign :-( A further point to consider is the children's father. If he is still around then he may take a very different attitude to you, and even might reopen the issue of custody on the grounds that you are endangering the children by your actions. Just a thought to bear in mind. Also - share the issue with people you trust, including, if possible, your church's minister. If he's part of a denomination, he should have access to resources that may be able to help you. I don't think it's appropriate to give any clear guidance; it so crucially depends on the circumstances. The only thing I would say is that you need to talk about it with him a LOT in the near future before your relationship goes any further. We've got a couple of regular posters on this board who've been or are on the other side of this experience, so they may well able to shed some light. Finally of course, PRAY. I assume you're religious (if you're not, then his getting to know you is not such a good sign). If you can pray together about it, then that MAY be a sign that it is OK. I hope all that is of some help, and I hope we get to hear how it turns out. |
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