Re: Struggling
Submitted by Splash! on February 17 2002 01:57:43
In reply to Struggling submitted by Cordelia on February 16 2002 08:24:27
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Could he be using me to reach my son? I don't judge him; I just want to know whether to trust. Would someone of religious convictions use me so? Could he justify this to himself? He could justify it in the way of thinking he's doing God's will for your son. This would make it seem alright for him to "use" you to reach your son. I once moved in with a girlfriend who had a very beautiful and intelligent son. I was very open with her about a lot of things, but still I held back that I was attracted to her son. In round-about ways I'd talk to her about my feelings for her son: "I'm not comfortable with him doing such-and-such, or hanging around with so-and-so." And then she'd help put things in perspective for me. At times I was probably more obsessed with him than I should've been, which led me to be a bit over-protective, so I'd talk to her about these things (the areas where I felt I might be too over-protective). Then she'd give me her view, and that helped me with mine. My advice to you is to keep the communication open between the two of you. Watch him. Do his eyes light up MORE when your son walks into the room than when you do? Does he seem to enjoy spending MORE time with your son than with you? Do you feel like you're having to pull him away from your son so that you can have time alone with him? Talk to him about these things. My girlfriend did with me. She told me once, "I know it's crazy for me to feel jealous about my son, but I feel like I'm fighting against him for your attention." We boylovers need to be put in check. And we appreciate it. Especially if we're Christian, we need to view things rightly. You can help him by telling him, "I don't like it when you do such-and-such with my son," or "When you hold him like that..." or "When you talk to him like that..." or "When you spend so much time with him..." etc etc etc Even if you do nothing more than make a hint to him that you're suspicious of certain feelings he might have for your son, it should be enough to cause him to stop within himself and reassess his feelings. Also, it's good to flat out ask him, "Who do you love more? Me or my son? Why?" You may have to occasionally make it clear to him that the boy is your son and not his -- it's up to you to protect your son and know where he's at, who he's with, and what he's doing. It all has to be okayed by you first. Set some limits and let them be known. If your boyfriend keeps crossing them, he's showing no respect for you, and I'd question his motives for being with you. Another thing my girlfriend and I did that helped a lot was to talk about our futures together. Picture ourselves after the kids left the house. "How do you see us in 20 years?" "How about when we're sixty, or eighty?" It might be interesting. And listen for how often your son is mentioned in his answers, if at all. And then you have to decide whether he talks about your son so much because he loves him, or he talks about your son so much because he's "in love" with him. I hope some of this has made sense and/or is useful to you. Since I was in his shoes once, please feel free to ask more questions. I'll let you know what it was like for me, my girlfriend, and her son. Peace. Splash |
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