to pendragon
Submitted by sally on March 26 2002 02:59:34
In reply to To Sally submitted by Pendragon on March 25 2002 21:30:16
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Dear Pendragon, I always hated that saying about life not being fair. I remember being about seven and stamping my foot one day and saying, "But mom it should be fair and you should do everything you can to make it fair!" I was the youngest of six so you'd better believe I was aware that life wasn't fair! What does it mean to be spiritually attracted to a person? I don't think it matters to your question but I have seen this hinted at on several gay sites so far and I wonder why it is that men, or at least gay men, seem to relate sex to a spiritual experience. I have never had sex with a boy. Tempted? Yes. I'm very glad that you have not. May I ask why you have not? Do you think it would be sin for you to do so? And God did make me this way... I was not molested as a boy or anything like that. I'm not prepared to argue this one with you. Even if you were "made" a pedophile by your environment, in one sense, God would have done it to you. I believe that God is sovereign and not one thing occurs that he has not allowed, and even ordained on one level. I see those suicide bombers and I think, "there but for the grace of God go I." They were born into Muslim families and they were trained from such a young age to carry out this on purpose in life... the poor babies... Surely God chose to put them in their families (Psalm 68:6) and he could have rescued them if he chose. I was six when we were in India and a thin, ragged, little beggar girl just about my size came to hold out her hand and ask me for alms. My mom wouldn't let me give her any money but took me into a store to buy her food and coloring books and toys-- mom explained that often the parents used the children to beg and instead of using the money they got to feed the kids they spent it themselves. I remember so distinctly wondering why God had made me a little Christian girl with parents who fed their children and why he put that other little girl in a Hindu family with parents who used her. Surely she had not sinned more wickedly than I. Even at my tender age I knew that she had not sinned in utero and so earned a spot in that terrible place. Of course it is not sinful to be born into a Hindu family or a Muslim one but these children are held responsible for rejecting Christ. The suicide bomber is held responsible for bombing even though it is nigh unto impossible for him to change his course without miraculous intervention. And he is responsible for the sin of the hateful thoughts in his head even if he never bombs anyone, also. Why has God done this? Why has he allowed a world where sin rages and why most of all has he allowed for any to go to hell? These are deep questions. Way too deep for my poor brain to grasp. I am so sinful, though, that I look at it from the opposite end than you do. Rather than saying, "Why did God make me thus?" I'm asking "Why did God save me?" I don't believe that God created man with a sin nature. I believe that I have Adam to thank for that one. When Adam fell we all fell with him. We see that every animal bore young after its own kind. Well Adam and Eve, dead in their sins (remember God said, "In the day you eat of it you will die" and they did die spiritually) bore children who were sinners. Had they eaten of the tree of life in the garden instead of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil I believe they would have given birth to immortal, sinless children. Instead they disobeyed God and we all suffer for that. But shall we then say to God, "Why have you made me thus?" and shall we say, "Why does God find fault for who has resisted his will?" (Romans 9) Or should we say, "Wow, Adam rebelled against God and God could have wiped him and Eve right of the face of the earth and started over. But he didn't. Because he saw me. He looked down from before the foundations of the world and he elected me to salvation. I didn't deserve that but I'm thankful he did it." I cannot know the mind of God-- I see through a glass darkly. But I can know God to some extent and I can know his character and his love and his comfort and his faithfulness. I know that he is above reproach. He is sinless. I know that all that he does is right and good. So I do not ask him why he sends men to hell. I cannot go there. I hate that he sends people to hell. I hate that he allows babies to be put in dumpsters. I hate that boys are beaten and left to die. I hate that women kill their children. And then I see my own utter filth and see the depths he pulled me out of and I know that I don't even have one millionth of the hate for sin that God has or one trillionth of the love he has for sinners. And I have to fall before him and thank him and ask him to forgive me for ever thinking that I was more loving than he and that he shouldn't have a hell-- or he shouldn't allow kids to be turned into suicide bombers or girls to be beggars or boys to grow into pedophiles. He is all wise and all loving and all powerful. Who am I to dare to judge him and instruct him on how he should do things? I don't know why he does all the things he does, but I know him and I know he is utterly trustworthy. That is enough for me. I am married and we are trying to ... as you say.. have children of our own. But it is very hard when God made me physically attracted to boys and not women. I am happy you are trying. I pray God will be pleased to bless you with many children. I waited six years for mine. I wasn't sure that we should adopt because we were not the perfect Christian family. So we didn't go through an adoption agency. I prayed for six years asking God that if he had children who would thrive in our home he would give them to us. And one year we had two babies, literally given to us, eight months apart by young women who would not keep them. Both women were serious addicts, one to coke and one to booze but both children are very good looking and bright and sweet. I can understand the longing for children if not the sinful desire to see them as sex objects. And I believe that God does always give us so much more than we can ask or imagine. So I would encourage you to just obey God and leave the results with him. He is able to give you kids at the proper time. sally sally@paraklesis.com |
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