confessions
Submitted by Splash! on March 28 2002 01:07:48
In reply to Re: Hi Splash submitted by sally on March 27 2002 12:00:53
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Sally, Thanks for your words. What you've said are things that I've thought a lot about in the past. Many of us here have. I hope your present girlfriend knows your secret or at least that you will tell her before you head toward marriage. I don't date a woman unless I think she'll be someone I want to marry, but I think it depends on who the person is whether she'll take this bit of information the right way, and when in the relationship I should reveal it to her. "Hi, my name is Splash, and I like boys." "Huh? What did you say?" I'd prefer her to get to know ME first. The "liking boys" part of me is very small, and it's not something I use to define myself; however it has always been a thought-life problem for me. But as long as it remains there, in my thoughts, I'm not sure it's something I need to worry her about. It'd take a special person, and I'm not sure I want to wait for that "perfect" person. We're all human -- we each have our faults, vices, and skeletons in the closet. It's tough enough maintaining a relationship without throwing these type of obstacles into the mix. Personally, I think in most cases, an "outing" would cause more harm than good. The world despises us for our sexual attraction. There is so little understanding. Many people think we should be shot. They don't even want to understand us. What good would it do her if I told her? I get the support and encouragement I need here -- these people understand me. The world doesn't. My church doesn't. They might think they do, but unless they come to this forum and hear all of our stories, how CAN they understand? I feel comfortable telling my girlfriends almost everything but this. My life is a 300-page open book, and I tore out pages 276 and 277. It neither hurts the theme of the story, nor messes with the plot. All it does is hide one small aspect of the main character, and the story still ends the same whether you read those pages or not. If you look at my past, and see what I'm doing now, you might have an idea of what's on pages 276 and 277. But I'm reserving these pages for only those who are able to UNDERSTAND more of the character by reading them (the people here in this forum). If I allowed everyone to see these two pages of my life, a lot of people would jump to conclusions and say, "Oh, so that's why he did this back here, and I bet that's why he made friends with that boy there, and he only liked that one because he was handsome, and if that person hadn't walked into the room at the moment who knows what he would've done to that kid!!" etc., etc., etc. There'd be a dozen books on the shelf, 500-pages long, with criticism based solely on those two pages of my life. WHY should I be known for that? Just because society thinks it's interesting or so horrible a thing? Just because THEY think it defined my every thought and action? It's NOT true! But then they'd say I was lying to myself, and that THEY really knew me better than I know myself. But I say, I WILL NOT BE DEFINED by this one small thing. I am bigger than this, and my LORD is certainly bigger than this, me, and everyone else put together. I confess it to him, constantly! I don't see why it needs to go any further than the blood of Jesus Christ. You said about the last one that you were best of friends but she didn't know... she couldn't be the best of friends then could she? I can't imagine you building a relationship with a woman without telling her about something as important as this thing you struggle with. Like Andy said, we all have our struggles. Must we confess them all to each other to be the best of friends? Sometimes it becomes an obstacle instead. I don't think the Lord intends for that to happen. Why should I tell my girlfriend that not only am I attracted to her, but I'm also attracted to her sister, and her 10-year old nephew? Why should I create that stumbling block in our relationship? I'm not sure it's even worth trying to see what GOOD might possibly come out of it. I would guess that it would be a great strain on you to try to keep this part of yourself hidden and I would also guess that if she ever found out later it would devastate her. Not really a strain. I did want to share everything with her. I felt bad about hiding something, but I wasn't sure what the result would be IF I did tell her, and if it'd be worth it. Here's something I wrote awhile back. It was quoted in Paraklesis at: /paraklesis/vol3iss1/page8.html. Why didn't I ever tell her? I almost did. We planned to get married three different times. We were very close. Soul-mates, I thought. I wanted to tell her everything. But I was always just enough afraid not to tell her. I thought, "Maybe I'll tell her after the wedding, then she'll want to support me more and not use it against me." I also thought, "Maybe I'll wait until her son gets a bit older, then she won't be afraid that I'd do something to him." I had many thoughts and feelings that I never shared with her, and in the end, I was thankful that I never did. As in most cases, when relationships come to an end, the other person tries to dig up every bad thing you ever said or did (or thought about doing). If she could've, she would've loved to have used my attraction for her son against me. And I would've hated to know that I had an enemy that knew that part of me and might still use it against me, especially since I have a good reputation in the community and work with kids. People always think they know you better than you know yourself. The ramifications would've been horrible. What do you think, Sally? It did feel very weird that I was in love with both her and her son. But did she need to know that I was sexually attracted to her son even though I knew that I knew I would never harm him. There were times I knew I stared at him too long, and it became lust to me. I do the same with women as well (the media force feeds us sexual images all the time). But I confess these things to Jesus, and not to men. When, if ever, should I confess these things to men? The Bible says if we offend a brother, we confess it. Who was I offending? How? And should I have told someone? Who? How do I know they would handle it in a Christ-like manner? It's so difficult finding a good Christian brother or sister in the Lord that handles things biblically and the way Jesus would handle it. I don't feel confident about other Christians, certainly not ones that don't already know the other 298 pages of my life. Why should I confess less than 1% of who I am and then be defined by people who have yet to know the other 99% of me? I would suggest you find a new church and new friends. Seriously. Well, thank God I live in a big enough town where I can do some church-hopping. I am looking for just the right church where I can open up a bit. Good Christian fellowship can do wonders -- for where two or more are gathered, there Jesus is, right in the midst of them. But, in the meantime, this is where I talk about those things... and this may be the only place I can talk about these things. These people are understanding, and I can keep some anononymity against those who aren't. So I am going to kick myself for all eternity for all the chances I had to serve Christ here but passed up. And for the times I could have shown him compassion but instead kicked him out of my way because I was too busy to be bothered...? I can't even bear to think of it.... Same here. I heard someone once say that the saddest day in heaven will be when we see all the missed opportunities where the Lord had opened a door to us, or manifest Himself, and we completely missed it because of our own busy-ness and selfishness. I know these opportunites come and go daily... I just pray that God makes me more aware of them and gives me the strength and faith to act on them. The more transparent we are the less chance that we will fall into pride and all the sins that accompany it. Amen to that. I have a very good Christian brother to whom I am very transparent. He helps me out a lot. I can talk to him about everything, and I once talked to him about this awhile back. He thinks it's in my past. He sees me as a strong Christian, and I believe I am a strong Christian in everything but this "thorn" in my thought life. Again, I'm not sure why it's needed that I make him aware of this. I don't want my friendship with him to be about this. Do I want him to ask me every couple weeks, "So, are you still lusting after little boys?" Why should that become a defining part of our friendship? I don't want it to be. And if I ever was able to totally get past these thoughts, do I want my best friend to be suspicious about it and still want to keep me accountable to him? Where there is suspicion, there is lack of trust. I don't want a friend to lose trust in me because he thinks he knows me better than I know myself, thinking that I'm still struggling and might give in to lustful temptations when I would never do such a thing. I like our friendship the way it is -- without suspicion. I'm not sure he needs to know that I'm still struggling. I believe our friendship works best when he doesn't have to worry about my struggles and I don't have to worry about when he'll want to ask me about my struggles. Please tell me what you think, Sally. I've been reading your posts and respect your view. Thanks. Splash |
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