a confession

Thanks for your words, Sally. When I look back on my life, I see God's guiding grace throughout much of it. Oftentimes He gave me what I didn't want, and held back on what I did want. And then if I wouldn't accept "No" for an answer, He'd "let me have it" so-to-speak. Be careful what you wish for, in other words. God knows what's best, and it might be different from what we think is best. It's true. All too often I turned my back on His answers to seek my own way, to do my own thing. I got myself into many bad situations because of it. A lot of people like to say they have no regrets. I can't say that. I have many regrets. Yes, I've learned from my mistakes, but many of those mistakes should've never happened in the first place. I should've known better. If only I had listened to what God had told me in my heart and through the scriptures! I lived with a woman before her divorce was even final. And we were a bit more than friends. As my pastor told me, I was "doing what is right in my own eyes." In my own eyes -- not God's. Part of me was angry that so many in the church were spreading rumours about me and her before anything ever happened -- I had been nothing more than a friend of the family. The minute she said, "divorce," the church looked at me and thought, "adultery." Bitter, we both thought, "Let's give them something to talk about." The scary thing is I think she may have gotten the divorce because of me. She thought she could have me, and she risked being a divorcee for the chance of winning me. Honest to God, I was too naive at the time to even see it. I thought we were nothing more than good friends. I was her husband's Bible study partner, and her son's spiritual mentor. Lust was not on my mind... the thought didn't even occur to me until the night I stayed a little late at her house and she showed me exactly what was on her mind. (This was after the separation). The church treated her like an outcast for wanting a divorce. She actually did have good reason -- or so she told me. Now I wonder. Her husband had a double-life -- drinking, smoking, womanizing, etc. (You see, half the week he was on the road away from home). I do know that he stole goods from his company (claiming someone took them out of his vehicle) and then he sold these on the black market. He did this twice. I saw the paperwork when the company finally sued him, and then his kids told me where he was selling these things (they witnessed it). Anyway, I was upset at the church for deserting her and then spreading rumours about me. It almost felt like we had to stick together, and be each other's only support. It's weird how we justify things in our own minds. My closest friend (my mentor) had tears in his eyes when he asked me what I was doing with her. I just thought he didn't understand. Some members of my family were very upset. I was angry with them for thinking I was doing anything wrong. I honestly thought I was doing right -- I was the only person helping this family. I had been a friend for years. How could I turn my back on them? How could the church? They did. I couldn't! That's what I was thinking. We went to many churches together, mainly to keep the children focused on the importance of their Christianity. I didn't feel guilty sitting there with them beside me in the congregation. It felt weird at times because I wasn't the father. But I still felt I was doing what was right. At home, their mother and I kept our hugs and kisses private. We woke up in separate beds, and made sure the kids never saw us do anything more than what friends would do. Of course, we relied on the naivitee of the children to do some romantic things together in front of them. Oh, God forgive me for setting a bad example and making the children think that any of my wrongdoings were right! I tried to be careful, but I was too caught up in it all to be spiritually objective and see that I was doing wrong. Sometimes when I'm really sick and can barely breathe, I think I'm going to die. And then I look back on my life. It's a terrible thing to see, because I see all the things I should've done and didn't do -- all the opportunities God gave me that I didn't take... all the flesh-fulfilling paths I decided to follow instead. I say, "I've been tricked!" The world has tricked me, the media has tricked me, my friends have tricked me!! But as much as I say that, I know I'm the only one to blame. God has always been there for me, and it has always been my choice to not listen to Him. How dare I think that I can somehow earn His respect by paying Him back with the nice things I do from day to day. I often think I'm in big trouble with God. One night I may quit breathing, and what will I have accomplished with my life up to that point? Will I have even fulfilled an ounce of God's enormous plan for me and through me? I should've known better. I did know better. But what did I do with this knowledge? With those who have much, much is required. What have I accomplished? Starting today, with God's grace and the constant presence of the Holy Spirit, may the Lord live through me and use me to accomplish His will!