Forgiven is being too harsh...
Submitted by F.O.D. on April 27 2002 23:50:31
In reply to please help submitted by Christopher on April 27 2002 15:01:33
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While it's true that Christians wrap themselves in dreadful debate over whether or not it's "okay" to be gay, that doesn't mean we can't talk to you and support you in the gay feelings you're experiencing. Forgiven is contributing to the abhorred Code of Silence. I'll assume the boys you're interested in are essentially your peers, even if they are one or two years youngers. If the boys you like are 12, say, rather than 15, then that's more like the "boylove" we experience, and the questions you have to deal with then are a bit different to the questions you have to ask if you're "just gay". That being said, your question is in fact a difficult one. You can't really just "know" if another boy is gay or not. Some people talk about "gaydar", which is supposed to be a kind of sixth-sense homing beacon that lets gay people identify each other, but it doesn't really work. In fact, a few weeks ago someone at boychat (www.boychat.org) wrote a story in several parts (you could search their Oldposts for "Part 1" or something to find it). In the story (I believe it was true) he wrote of a 14yo boy he fell in love with when he was 16. The other boy's behaviour towards him was so friendly and warm and affectionate, he was dead sure he was gay. [plot warning: here's the end of his story...] But in the end, he told his friend he was gay and asked him if he was, but his friend said no, he wasn't. So sometimes you think you know, but you turn out wrong. On the other hand, I guess there are some tell-tale signs. The crap that those of us with same-sex attractions have to go through tends to makes us somewhat screwed up. So if your friend appears depressed & unhappy, has some deep and painful secret he wants to share but just can't, then maybe it's because he's gay. I've got a friend like that, for a whole year he's been saying "my life is such woe", and the only way I could get him to finally admit he was gay was by first telling him I was. Only then did he have the confidence to speak up himself. But there can be 100 reasons why someone is depressed, it doesn't always mean they're gay. You could also watch who they watch, who makes them turn their head. Most guys turn their head when a pretty girl goes by, a gay boy would instead be drawn by a handsome male. But, again, it's unreliable - clost gays are masters of subterfuge! The only real way you can know what someone is thinking is by having a real relationship with them, and asking them. Become their friend, hang out with them. When there's enough trust between you, tell them you like boys. After that you can ask them if they like boys or girls. The trust is the key, and some "friends" can't handle it, they could reject you and hurt you. Forgiven's warning is important here. You should be aware, though, that sexuality is a complicated matter, and we do not always even understand ourselves. A gay boy may not be ready to admit to himself he likes boys, so he'll say "I like girls!". Conversely, the text books tell us that adolescence is a particularly complicated period of life, where many, if not most, boys go through a short period of having a crush on another boy. This usually passes in most boys, then they start dating girls. Are you prepared to become best friends with one boy, then in a year's time have him start going out with some girl? My best advice is to forge strong friendships with other boys. If their friendship is worth a spit, they'll still remain close friends with you, even when they know you are interested in them. Good luck, Christopher! Fod |
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