Need hope, Incouragement , and friends
Submitted by LonelyBoyLover on 2002-06-29 20:45:05, Saturday
|
To the folks here in the Christian Boylove Forum boy do I have alot to talk about. I don't really have any friends outside of relatives so I thought of coming here and I hope that it will be a good choice. I hope that i'm not going to give out any of my personal info I don't need to get arrested or anything like that. I love kids and when I was back in Michigan I wasn't around much but sometimes I got a chance to babysit . I was in my teen years and there was a family members kid I used to babysit he was 8 or 9 and loved hockey. I would go out of my way and tell my work I had to leave early just to want to watch him I loved being with him . He would always sit on my lap and we would watch TV or play video games. I would get so peaceful and calm when he would sit on my lap. We would play a game on the floor where he would have the football and he'd have to try and get past me to the couch and I would tackle him to the floor. Sometimes we'd sit at the computer and he would be on my lap .. I loved this , I loved being with him, but like most kids they would treat me like crap sometimes and I would put up with it . I would never hurt a kid , I would sleep in the same bed with him but his parents would never say anything to me and nothing ever happened. I am a christian but later on I will tell you of how i've kind fallen away. I can count on one hand all the fantastic experiances i've had with Boys , I am attracted to their beauty . Blond hair and blue eyes just melts my heart. I see them where I work and just want to take them and hug and snuggle with them but I know I can't . I do not have any kids of my own , I have never been married and I am Bi . 1 1/2 years ago the Lord put someone into my life. Our love was so awesome and powerful I do not want to go into everything but I can tell you that our love for eachother was something that I have never felt before. I was only with 1 other before her and it was a guy out in california, now I am in Florida. I never hurt her always loved and cared about her. I do not have any more to spare , I take the buses to work , I don't have a car, I live in an apartment . She knew I was Gay and always wanted to change me.. one day she find 2 types of sertain pictures on my computer this devistated her because I told her that I would never do anything to hurt her ( in the beginning of the relationship) but this was something that I always had to struggle .. you don't know how many times in my life I would delete these pictures .. and just like a bad habbit start up again . She found these pictures and it was devistating to her .. but like everything else she always understood. There came a time in the relationship where she said that the Lord put it on her heart that she doesn't love me the way she used too ... we overcame that obsticle ... I told her I wouldn't look at the pictuers anymore ... but I still did :( and this hurt me so bad because of how much I loved her. A few months later my worst fears came true she left me for her old highschool sweet heart who contacted her after 3 years on the computer. It was absolutly devistating to me it hurts so bad and still does. I feel like I am being punished by the Lord like Sodom and Gamorah sp? . This happened a few weeks ago . And just last night I realized if he's brought me down maybe he can bring me up again . I'm as low as i've ever felt in my life right now .. my bank account is negative I have all these bills to pay and the rent. I'm at a dead end. The Lord knows how much I love a person that I am with and how much I love kids , but i've just never been able to get a jump start on life .. I cried and prayed to God last night to forgive me of all i've done and to help me not do those wicked things anymore. I don't know if I can become un Gay but I do want a female to love in my life.. I know I have to do my best and hardest not to turn to the wicked ways of my past. I am thinking that he will help me , but i'm not sure .. I don't know if he did anything to affect what happened recently in my life i guess I just have to keep hopping and praying. Now how about a couple of wonderful times I had with a kid... I was in Miami and I volunteered at a nursing home there was this boy there in the room I was in .. it was a very small recreational room .. I said i'd watch him .. it was just the 2 of us .. I don't remember all the details but I was sitting there and he was behind me and he came up to me and wrapped his arms around my neck he wanted to go outside with me. You don't know how good this felt to me it was wonderful. the next is at Islands of adventure in Orlando . I went to the park by myself .. I go there alot so I am like a whiz at knowing what to do and when to do it . I was at the entrance an hour early before opening . There was a young man with a young boy there .. they were from England and it was Uncle and Nephew. I talked to them and told them I go here alot and I ended up spending the whole day with them . There was a point where I got to go on the Ripsaw falls water ride with the boy and if you don't know about it .. it's where you go in these logs and the seats are connected .. so I got to hold him and his back was pressed up against me and I wrapped my arms around him. It makes my head spin just thinking about it . The only other times I've had contact with boys is a couple times at my work .. I got to give them a hug. This is so pathetic ... has the Lord been keeping kids out of my life on purpose I would never do anything to hurt them .. absolutly nothing se xual ever !! so I don't know why I have had such little contact .. I think that even this kid beaters and abusers even have kids in their life and how come me .. soemone who loves them so much seems to be cursed not to be around them . I just don't know anymore.. I don't know where my life is going .. i'm under 30 years old and very confused about everything I do not goto church but boy oh boy all the crap i'm going thru lately maybe I will start.. I do know that I will pray every night and morning . I need people to talk with who can maybe give me hope, encouragement. I have alot more to say but that's it for now. |
Follow ups: