By the way, I'm back.
Submitted by Altima on 2002-07-29 21:14:47, Monday
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I've returned from my lake. I enjoyed myself, I had Vanilla Coke. Upon returning, I watched an episode of Neon Genesis Evangelion and was thrust back to last summer, when I was completely smitten by an equally inaccessable boy (this time, to make it more inconveniant, He's animated. Argh...) I am a strange person, I have concluded. I have done a couple self-examinations of my psyché. Sometimes, to make myself more comfortable with myself I accept the title of "bisexual." Hmm, a bisexual, must be a true human conneseur, able to apprecite all forms of beauty embodied in anyone... Unfortunately, not so. I've found that, though I often feel a pang of lust for females, there is never any kind of genuine love. I've decided that love is one of the highest priorities for me now, and this is unsettling. Not that I have anything against the male side of the spectrum, I was always able to take a secret comfort by thinking "At least I'm a bisexual. When that special woman comes along, I can settle down with her, dispel any notion of anything socially unacceptable and... blend in." It was a coward's sentiment, but I've decided that I'll never don any sort of label again. Not "Bisexual," not "gay," not "boylover." I am nothing except me. I'll deal with love and lust as it comes, in no matter what form. And yet still, after... three or so years on this forum, I'm still trying to find God. I've always been very oriented to the sciences, but when I was younger, despite being big into science, I was the most devout Catholic in my family. My mother could barely believe it. Now... something got lost. I'm still trying to find it. (I can vaguely remember one day that my mother related to me recently... I was around six or so years old. I had recieved my first communion. As we were driving home in a violent thunderstorm, my mother asked me how I felt. I said "I feel God in my mom. Not just one God, but the complete God. The father, son and holy spirit." As the storm raged on outside, my mother thought "there's no way we'll crash with this kid in the car...") |
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