Just a walk in the desert
Submitted by Chris on 2003-01-25 16:10:23, Saturday
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Hi Brothers, Last night I had one of those nights that make it difficult to sleep. The evening began in a typical way, I called my friend Andy and we talked for about an hour or so. I got out my guitar after that and put on some music to practice to. That went well...well, except I discovered that my amp now has a blown speaker...oh well, such is the life of a guitar addict. But, all in all, it was pretty typical. Then I began to think about things a little deeper than I normally do. I thought about how my life has changed so drastically in the past two years. As usual, I thought of everything in terms of loss. And, as is also usual for me, I began to get depressed about it somewhat. Although I suppose I have actually gotten used to living without all of the things I had spent so much of my life accumulating, I cannot get used to the loss of family members. I am also having a very hard time with the way I lost my Y.F. still. Too many memories and so much time acumulating them. While the memories will always live in my heart, they are now so often turned bitter-sweet because the people whom I share them with are no longer my family and also no longer available to me. We will always be related to one another by blood, but that is where it ends now. I have had to accept a very difficult truth about my family, and it really hurts. They used me for years. And I lived in such a sick, co-dependant lifestyle with them, that although I knew what was going on most of the time, I would always choose to ignore it. I would ignore it and hope it would just get better some day. That "some day", of course, would never happen the way I wanted it to happen. You see, I wanted to have a good relationship with them, not a sick one. I wanted to be part of a family, not a bunch of co-dependant people who are too afraid to even try to resemble one with one another. I wanted something that I could not have; and now I find myself wanbting it still, even in the light of all that has happened. Unbeleivable! Ok....so do you believe in God??? Right now, right this minute, I have been interupted in my thought process! Everything I intended to write is now changed. Want to know why? Because my new YF, "S", just ran up behind me and gave me a big hug, and told me he loves me!!! This just happened about half a minute ago, right while I was writing the last sentence of the paragraph above. That is why I wrote the next, lone sentence, "Do you believe in God". I almost feel like a real jerk for what I have written just now. "S" is right by my side!!! Jesus is right by my side!!! What was I going to say? Something about a desert, right? Ok, well....I am gratefull for the one I am in. God is with me, isn't He??!! Indeed He is! We DO have a GREAT Father!!! Oh yes, dear Lord, PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME FOREVER!!!! God Loves Us All!!! Glory to God!!! Love in Jesus Christ, Your Brother, Chris |
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