Yes, but...
Submitted by Ray on March 09 1999 at 08:52:27
In reply to Answer the question... Submitted by Ben on March 08 1999 at 08:02:11
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Ben, You wrote: If my "outlet" keeps me celibate, relative to boys, do you interpret it as being acceptable to God? I answered: The answer is yes! When I wrote that answer last night, I had qualifiers after the "yes," but decided to remove them before answering. After sleeping on the matter, I thought it best to mention some of the qualifiers. Therefore, "yes, but..." Before writing this response (and after answering "yes") I decided to check on your "outlet" (masturbation) before I responded, because I had forgotten what you had said and the "yes" was a general answer to all outlets that keep boylovers celibate relative to boys. The qualifiers I had in mind are directed more toward other outlets some boylovers choose (or discover that they have chosen unknowingly) to use to keep their sex drive under control, and may have only limited application to your situation. First, two personal examples, which may be only indirectly considered outlets keeping me celibate, ones which I recognized in hindsight. 'Course the fact that I was taking thorazine, a prescribed tranquilizer, for 18 years probably was another control for my sex drive. For the first 20 years of my adult life, while I was working chiefly as a volunteer in the church, I developed working relationships with older women (choir, Sunday School, service group providing a monthly party for residents of a center for adults with mental retardation, etc., teachers/parents in catechetics on internship). Also, when I went to college (about 12 years out of high school), my closest friends were the girls in the intentional-Christian-community house where I lived. They were all satisfying relationships at the time. But, (I think I related this event previously in a different context) when I became attached to someone in the group of 6th graders I was teaching at an outdoor school for a week, someone to whom I was told at the beginning of the week I should give extra attention, I didn't know what hit me the middle of the afternoon of the next day after I got home from the school/camp. My emotions were tied in a knot. I couldn't do anything! I don't know how to describe it except that I couldn't go on with life as usual! Something happened between that boy and me that week. I can still picture him on the bus sheepishly waving goodby as he was leaving and its been almost 22 years. And I don't remember specifics of what we did together, separate from the others in my group that week! I remember I talked with the girls in the house where I lived about what was happening to me, because I had no idea what it was! Also, after a 1-year internship in a congregation, one of the women/teachers/parents/friends wrote in my evaluation that I related to the parents through their children. Actually, it seems after 17 years that I have more fond memories from that year of the youth with whom I associated, than with adults. And part of that may be a sense of satisfaction in establishing a youth group that has for the most part been active since then (which I credit to encouraging adult leadership to listen and empower rather than lead and "do for"). I got more back from the youth than I did from the adults! So, back to the qualifiers, if I can remember them! The question again: Are "outlets" which keep you celibate, relative to boys, acceptable to God? And the answer with qualifiers is: Yes, if you are not denying your true self in your outlet, or deceiving yourself that the outlet is satisfying your own needs and you are satisfying the needs of those to whom you relate. In such cases, eventually, your "outlet" will not be effective, and your subconscious psyche will take over. Either you will have to put so much energy into maintaining the outlet that you have none left for other relationships, or you will "slip" in your celibacy, or ... . I think my case was somewhat different. A YF and I had strong feelings for each other and the wellbeing of each was wrapped up in the wellbeing of the other. I've said about 12 years after the fact that we were in love, he said we were never lovers. But we denied the feelings and deceived ourselves. After 4 years of being very close, we spent 4 years of building walls between us, with him becoming independent (because isn't that the way it's supposed to be!) and me feeling inadequate (because I wouldn't want to be the overpowering adult) and we beginning to drive each other crazy until he ended the friendship because he thought I wasn't strong enough to take on my demons! Little did he realize that he and our mutual friends were demonizing me by blaming me for my "problems." We deceived ourselves by them blaming me and me accepting blame for what were relationship problems that needed attention (outside of my mid-life crisis "problems" -- illness and death of parents and siblings, loss of vocation after 10 years, turning 40, then 45 and still trying to decide what I do when I grow up, God telling me to be patient and me telling God "I've already learned patience, I wanna move on", recognizing I was in love with someone 25 years younger than I). For a variety of reasons, relationship problems were ignored or denied by all of us in those important relationships, and relationship problems were not addressed. The qualifiers to the "yes" are particularly relevant to "outlets" such as a heterosexual marriage for sexual release, one in which you are not being true to yourself or your spouse. God will let you know what "outlets" are not acceptable, but only in good time! And not from others telling you what God wants of you, but from you discovering for yourself (if you don't already know) what you can and can't live with and without! Watch out for denial, deception, blame and withdrawal as symptoms of relationship problems -- in relationships with God, self and others (remember the two Great Commandments: Love God and your neighbor as yourself)! I really let my thoughts wander far and wide when I try to respond to a subject, don't I! Hope I said something relevant to your questioning, Ben! Ray |