tonight...
Submitted by scott on April 04 1999 at 01:31:13
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happy easter everyone! i should have every reason in the world to be happy and to celebrate. but tonight, as i sit quiet, my loneliness breaks my heart. easter is a reminder of the wonderful sacrifice that Christ made for us on the cross, and a time to recognize that. i wish i could do that, but i cannot. i find myself lacking something of late, the fulfillment that comes from having a meaningful relationship with one of my boys. for several reasons, i am currently boy-less (more or less...). for almost nine months, i have not had a long term relationship with a boy. many boys come and go in and out of my life as i teach, but few stay. i have tried to concentrate on seeking the Lord, tried to be more like Him. i have tried to make time each day to read the word, tried to sit down adn talk with Him each day. i have failed, tho. nights like tonight, i miss the simple things about my boys, like sitting on the couch watching a movie as he drifts off to sleep in my arms, or idly talking as we ride the bus into town, or his grinning laughter as he jumps on the bed to wake me up. nights like tonight, it is all too common that i take the easy way out of my loneliness, drinking and drugging and cruising. i look around and see the empty bottles and baggies, and listen to quiet breathing in my darkened room. right this minute i am okay, as i quietly crept out to write this. for the rest of tonight i will be okay, or at least think that i am. tomorrow morning, as i roll over in the warm sun and look at his beautiful face on the pillow, as he is still dreaming, i will think that i am okay. but later, when he leaves and after i clean up and make myself presentable for work on monday, i will not be okay. i will be crying inside, ashamed to talk to my savior, scared to ask for his forgiveness, because one time he just might say no... please, keep me in your prayers. i fight the good fight and run the good race, but i think that i lose more than i win. i know that at the end of the race, i will cross the finish line and run straight into my Jesus' arms, but it is a long way away, and i sometimes fear i will not make it... thank you for your prayers, i appreciate them more than you can know. scott |