Re: Had more to say...
Submitted by Brian on September 28 1999 at 01:08:54
In reply to Re: Had more to say... Submitted by Screwed Up on September 27 1999 at 17:16:22
|
Hey Screwed Up, Like you I have just come upon this place. The things that I have read here have been so helpful to me. But, reading your last couple of posts has been like reading my own heart. I really am struggling with being a BLer and a Christian. I am finding it so difficult to put the feelings and longings that stir so powerfully within me together with what both the Bible says and what the general sense of the Christian message is. Slowly, oh so slowly, I am starting to recognize that I am having to have to change my attitude, way deep down, about what loving boys means. If it means that I must express that love in a sexual way, I had better prepare to reap the wrath of society. Even if Jesus can forgive me, society will not. I came way too close to learning that a few years ago in a judicial system that did not yet have the tools at hand to effectively deal with what innocently happened. But they will go to lengths that I can't imagine to make sure I never love another boy now. As to your "sincere question," I really hope that this is not a board that sees sex between men and boys as being ok. I am really hoping that I can talk with people here who have matured in their struggle to a point that being friends with boys can be a satisfying good. I am struggling so mightily with this in the hope that I can rise above the sexual attractions to a plane where friendships can somehow be enough. I know that I am a BLer way down inside of me. I've honestly known this since I was 12 years old. But, what I could get away with when I was a teen-ager (and gotten in a lot of trouble for anyway)is not possible any more. I have to learn how to be around boys in a different way. I can't avoid being around boys because ministry demands that I am there and available all the time. I can say that because I am in ministry I have to be all the more conscious of the larger body of Christ that I represent, but that doesn't mean the feelings go away. I just have to learn how to deal with them. If you would be so kind as to let me learn with you from friendships that I hope will develop here, I would be eternally grateful. To feel like I am a hypocrite (you used the right word) all the time is really wearing on my soul. Prayer is really hard, and I know that the devil is having a hey-day with me, but I can't seem to put the brakes on it. Having to constantly ask for forgiveness is also really tough. But, even tougher is accepting that forgiveness from Jesus. It is so tough to do because of the nature of what I have done and what I feel. I trust in Jesus' forgiveness, but how much grace is it going to take for me to forgive myself and move on? I want to thank you Screwed Up for putting it "out there" and allowing me the chance to do the same. I really am praying for you, and I ask that you pray for me also. May God work through this means to help us both deal with being BLers and Christians in a healthy way. |