I have to tell you some truths with my apology.
Submitted by KPK on December 12 1999 at 08:31:40
|
Hello, I apologize for some of my unpleasant posts down there. I had drank too much booze for long time now and I've noticed how much it had affected my behaviors and state of mind. I had fallen around and got a bruise on my back from a leg on one of my furniture just last night. I just woke up this morning and I was just thinking, geez... I had enough, and this is it... I can't stand it anymore. I almost ran out of money for anything by now so it'll be a somber time for me for a few weeks from now. I don't have any F/T job anyway so... I am thinking about taking off for a few weeks, simply by putting my PC away into a closet. I was also thinking maybe I'll have to put myself into a detox if I could get my insurance to foot it. I will have to do something about myself really seriously. I will have to try to look for a F/T job near to here (after I somber up and stay being more stable first) because my van isn't in a good shape to go anywhere anyway, until I have money to have it be fixed. And also try to look for a therapist, possibly a psychiatrist at same time too. I have to take care of myself first seriously before I'd ever come back being online. Hey, I am really in a very bad shape, much worse than you all had thought I am. Jim was right when he called me a "raving lunatic" and a few other called me as borderline psychopathic and told me I do need to go see a psychiatrist. Damn, it was all because of my drinking, not that I would say I blame it but to blame myself for my own faults with it. I wasn't always like this way. Years ago, I was lot better off and being more healthier and being more saner. I used to do really well for myself. But this all had went on for two years and I was on a long slow downhill to my worst as you see me as being today. I was just starting to ask God in my private prayers, "God, please help me and get me back to where I was by then and get me off all of that booze for good and forever. I think I am losing my mind." right now. I will need A LOT OF YOUR SERIOUS PRAYERS for my sake and well-being, please. I have some feelings that if I don't stop somewhere with all of the craps I was doing right now, I am sure that I would die anytime soon or later. It's time for me to go, just for long time until I am lot better first. I don't think I should be online anywhere right now with the way I am, especially with my booze-ridden state of mind. Just let me go, but please do say a lot of prayers for me, ok? I am thinking maybe I should try to go visit a "gay-friendly" church (Definitely not baptist church, the ones for me to avoid like a plague) somewhere to start with, doesn't matter if they don't have a interpreter for the deaf ---- Just to sit there and say a lot of prayers for myself, and see if other there may will help me with this problems with me. I need not only physical but also spirituality recovery. I thank you all for you sincere understandings and your concerns. I am sorry if I seemed like being a "raving lunatic" ass---- to you all. I truly am. That usually don't happen if I wasn't drinking at all as a hard core alcoholic. Just let me go but please pray for me, KPK |