Some thoughts
Submitted by Wu-k'ung on May 02 2000 22:28:13
In reply to Breaking the news submitted by ChoirBoy on May 02 2000 01:13:04
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Hi, ChoirBoy, F.O.D. was so kind as to email me, inviting me to express my views. I haven't been reading here for quite a while, and I see it's been my loss. First, my situation. I am a married BL, with young daughters. I have never had a sexual relationship with a boy, but I do have boys who are friends; however my wife and family always have to come first. I didn't tell my wife when we got married, but she found it out (through some BoyChat residues I inadvertently left on the computer) a couple of years ago. That certainly shook the marriage (and she said she wouldn't have married me if she'd known), but it is now reasonably strong again. What do I think I should have done? I'm not certain, but probably I should have told her. Let me consider some issues. First, I don't believe in the general principle of having no secrets. My wife's biggest fear is of turning into her mother. In some respects this is indeed happening, but I think there is no way I should tell her that. If I feel she is not aging attractively, I should keep that information to myself, too. Some information is just harmful. Furthermore, to take someone into a secret is imposing a burden on that person. The fact that you know something, but mustn't pass it on is an obligation that can be onerous. It is made worse by a wife's feeling that she is not the "first choice", but someone chosen for appearances, or convenience, or as a permitted alternative to what her husband really wants. Even though this is not necessarily true, it is plausible enough to be always in the back of her mind. Against this, I have the feeling that I may have married my wife on false pretenses. Marriage is a very serious exchange of serious, limiting, life-long vows. Is it not wrong to lead a woman to make those vows without knowing such an important thing about you? Well, there are my thoughts. You seem to have decided, and I think rightly. Jules' point about not using labels but, rather, describing yourself is a good one. However, I don't think the subject is ever likely to arise naturally at a convenient time. I think therefore you have to broach it yourself, and I think it will have to be the scary "There is something you need to know about me before we get married". It will be a shock and she will need to time to consider it. It may actually be easier for both of you to do it by letter, with face-to-face discussion later; but that will depend on the personalities of both of you. Wu-k'ung |
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