I told my fiance (finally)
Submitted by ChoirBoy on May 28 2000 19:34:19
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Hi, everyone. Sorry in advance for the long message, but I got a lot to say. Well, if you remember about two weeks ago I posted requesting input on how to talk to my fiance about my love for boys. I thank you all very much for the great advice, especially the advice about avoiding the use of labels when talking with her (don't say "boylover" or "pedophile" to describe myself, just tell her how I feel). Well, I am a very lucky guy who loves his fiance very much. She apparently loves me very much, too, because she didn't dump me. In fact, she said it would be easier if she didn't love me, because now she had to deal with it. I sat down with her and described my feelings the best I could, that I am attracted to boys, mostly in an emotional sense but sometimes in a lustful and sexual sense, but that I would never even think about a sexual relationship with a boy. I think my sexual feelings are actually a bit misguided. Whenever I am with boys, I don't feel any sexual attraction to them, only love. It is only when viewing pictures from the Internet (a habit I confessed to her and asked for her help on) that I feel and sometimes give in to lust. I think that it is actually because I am in college and not around boys a whole lot (unfortunately) that I have a feeling of unfulfillment in my relationships with boys and substitute for that a lustful desire that can be played out to a climax with pornography and masturbation. I am trying to stop this, but like all addictions it is very hard. Anyway, back to my fiance. She took it pretty well. After the stunned silence, disbelief ("How can this be true?"), confusion ("How do I reconcile the happy, good feeling you get when dealing with boys and watching boy movies with the sexual desire felt while viewing pornography and masturbating?"), initial knee-jerk reactions ("My first reaction was to re-think having children with you."), clarifying questions ("How long have you been this way?"), moral consideration ("It just seems wrong to me. I know you don't think it is, and I trust you, but I just don't see it yet."), initial acceptance ("I love you and will support you through anything."), breakdown and uncontrollable crying, insomnia, depression, depressed silence, anger (did I mention that I have the worst timing in the world? I told her on the day before we went on a 10-hour car trip to spend a week in Florida with MY parents, of all people. I'm such an idiot!), more clarifying questions ("I still don't understand your feelings. Could you give me an example or something?"), honest discussion, and finally true acceptance, she told me that she loved me very much and was finally able to see that I am the same person I was before I told her and that I love her just as much (more now) and that I still have the same personality and morality. We were able to spend a week in Florida (surrounded by really cute kids in Disney World, I might add) and have a great time. We are still very sexually functional, and our relationship has moved to an even deeper level than I previously thought possible. I am even able to mention cute boys that we see walking past to her. It's not perfect yet, though. She is still struggling to understand it and accept it fully. She put it on the back burner of her mind for the week in Florida, I think, and I don't think it will really hit her until she gets off the plane today back home alone, a 12 hour drive from me. I gave her the book "Return to Innocence" by Gary M. Frazier to help her understand how I feel. I told her that I identify strongly with the main character, although we aren't alike in all ways. Do any of you have any suggestions of resources that might help her understand boylove better? Especially resources that don't dwell on sexual relationships with boys, since that is not something that I believe is right. I appreciate the advice you all gave me earlier. It helped me out a lot. So did praying to see what the Lord wanted me to do. I think this board is really unique and special, and I thank God that I found it to get the support I needed to tell my fiance such potentially destructive news. Thank you all. Feel free to e-mail me at the above address, but be fair warned that I don't check it too often. If you think other readers may benefit from your message, just post it to the board. God bless, ChoirBoy |
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