Reply to Researcher

Thanks for your patience. These are my replies to researcher's inquiry. This is very long so don't read it unless you really want to know :-) You are not alone. Ben ---------------------------- o How important is your sexuality to your overall self identity? It is of very high importance. For the most part, it is the overriding element of my self-identity. o Could you describe to me when did you first realised that you were more drawn/attracted to minors? For example, how old were you, what stage of your life were you at (job/relationships), your personal environment and more general social climate at the time? I remember being in second or third grade and seeing a play put on by the sixth graders. The play was THE KING AND I, and I remember one boy coming out on stage as one of the King's servants without a shirt on. He was very attractive, blonde, tan and well built. While the feeling wasn't sexual, there was a distinct appeal to the image that I saw. I think that I noticed boys from this very young age, long before I ever hit puberty. o Could you describe to me the process of discovery that led you to recognising your attraction? Was there a definitive moment that confirmed your attraction - could you describe this? It is impossible to do, because I was acting on my attraction (that is masterbation and watching boys) long before I knew what was going on. For example, I had an enourmous crush on a boy (actually quite a few, but there is one in particular that I can remember) when I was in sixth grade. I remember a number of times when I would dream about him and masterbate, but I never dreamed of anything sexual. I didn't even dream about him naked. In most cases, I dreamed about 'helping him' or 'rescuing him from something'. I would be his hero in some way and masterbation was a part of this fantasy. I didn't have a clue what I was doing, or that this had anything to do with my sexuality. I didn't have a clear understanding of what I was supposed to be doing or feeling at that age, I just knew what appealed to me and I was driven to feed my fantasies. I remember that same year being on a school trip, where all of the boys were lined up to shower at the dorm where we were staying. This particular boy, Peter, was at the back of the line. I remember giving up my spot in line so that I could be behind him. This allowed me to be in the bathroom when he was there, being 'on deck' for the shower. I remember seeing him just in his underwear and feeling intense attraction towards him. I went into the bathroom stall and masterbated while he was showering. Yet, I never dreamed of doing anything sexual with him, or even of seeing him naked. Even through my twenties, I saw this as a bad habit more than an actual orientation. o How did you feel when you realised that you may have what is a 'taboo' attraction? What were your concerns and how did you deal/overcome these? How a person views their sexuality is, to a significant degree, based upon their feelings, the focus of these feelings, the attitudes towards these feelings and how these feelings are allowed to express themselves. Also, how you perceived other peoples' sentiments towards such feelings and their expression. Keeping this in mind……. I can never quite figure out why I never intellectualized what I was doing. I went into my teens thinking that I was completely heterosexual, but also having this intense drive and habit of seeing cute boys around pools or whatever and then masterbating to thoughts of them. I think that as I began to take risks associated with my desires, such as peering through bathroom stalls into locker rooms, I began to realize that I had a 'bad habit'. I still didn't realize that I was not heterosexual, but I did see that something needed to change. I decided to seek out behavior therapy at my own expense. It was very costly and I finally had to ask my parents for help with it (telling them that I needed some help but not telling them the specifics). Anyway, the therapist taught me about guilt and shame hoping that I would try harder to 'kick the habit'. I never woke up and realized that I was different because of my sexuality. On a side note, because I was not dating much and never had a girlfriend, I did feel somewhat inferior to others around me. I would often fabricate stories of my out of town girlfriend. I got into the habit of having two sets of friends, so that I could claim that things were happening with my 'other group'. This carried on through life. o Prior to realising your attraction, how would you have described your sexuality (what sort of feelings did you have, and for whom, what sort of outlet did these feelings have - how were they allowed to express themselves)? This was so far before puberty, I cannot say that I knew what sex was. o How would you have described your sexuality when you first realised your attraction to minors? Still thought I was [sexually] normal. o How do you think your sexuality has changed since then? How would you describe your sexuality and your feelings towards minors now how would you describe the interactions you have with them? Why do you think any changes have come about in how you feel? I have learned an incredible amount about pedophilia since I encountered the BL community online (this is almost six years ago! I was one of the earliest boychat posters.) Because I understand it well, I have a clear picture of my attraction. My attraction is absolutely identical to anyone else's attraction, except that it is oriented towards boys. While I believe that chemically and physiologically my attraction is not difficult to understand, I do believe that it is not meant to be acted upon. I am very sad that I have to live such a different life than most people, because I truly would like to be a dad and have a family. But the truth is that I just don't have that 'died-and-went-to-heaven' feeling about women the way I do about boys. As a Christian, I have learned to trust God that there is a unique plan for my life and that I shouldn't lament it. o As a non-contact child lover, how do you think your feelings/nature of your attraction differs from those who do not identify themselves as child lovers?· Those (of which you may identify several general groups) who do interact sexually with children? As I said above, my attraction to children is not different than anothers attraction. This is not a statement of morality of action, but simply of the attraction. I believe that God has spared me in a very special way, by orienting my attraction towards boys who are scantilly clad but not naked, and by shaping my sexual experiences into masterbation rather than action. For this reason, my sexual drive tends to be towards non-pornographic pictures and masterbation, rather than molesting children. I absolutely believe that, had I been molested as a child, I would be seeking out children to be sexual with as an adult. Because this was never my experience (I never dreamed of having a sexual experience with a boy) it never became a part of what I do. o Being able to express one's sexuality is an important factor of how one identifies oneself. As a non-contact boy lover, how does your sexuality express itself (which parts do you show and which parts do you not, and why?) In terms of outlet, I struggle with lustful eyes, with collecting photography (again, not pornographic…see my sigpic for an example of what appeals to me) and with masterbation. The good side to my expression is an intense love for being around boys, for interacting with them, for making them laugh and helping them out. I love anything which has to do with boys. o How do you think your expression of your sexuality has changed since you realised your attraction to minors? Unfortunately, I moved from just fantasy and masterbation, to a desire for pictures while I am masterbating. This has created an addiction to collecting pictures. While the pictures that I collect are perfectly mainstream and un-offensive, my addiction, like any addiction can be crippling sometimes. o Are you comfortable with your sexuality now - have you always felt this way about your sexuality? Yes, other than the adverse affects that it has on my lifestyle. o If yes, what process do you think you have gone through and issues you have tackled to achieve this acceptance? · If no, what issues do you have whose resolution you think will make your sexuality easier to accept? Do you think you will be able to overcome these issues, and if so what do you think you can do to promote this process of acceptance? I am no longer "embarassed" by who I am. I am comfortable with my sexuality in most cases because of the BL community that has shown me that there are others like me. Additionally, my faith has helped me to trust that God created me this way for a reason and that he will use me to do great things someday. o Do you recognise any aspects of yourself in definitions and concepts of paedophiles used by society and researcher literature? Where do you divert from these conceptualisations? I'm not overly interested in definitions and labels. They are human creations, meant to group and order our world. The one clear differentiation that MUST be made is that there is a difference between pedophiles and child molesters. Child molesters are people who have been through a certain set of experiences and are addicted to having sex with children. It is not linked with love or attraction, but with addictive behavior. I trust that it is VERY hard for them to overcome this addiction and I feel for them. Boylovers who ARE sexual with children are equally as driven to sexual encounters with children. Those who have a good degree of self control, try everything in their power to treat boys well and to make their sexual encounters loving and meaningful. While this is almost impossible to do in this society, I do believe that their hearts are in the right place and I CERTAINLY understand why they would turn away from biblical views that sex between males is wrong. I do not support intergenerational sex, but I understand where such BLs are coming from. Boylovers who are NOT sexual with children, have simply been spared in some way (such as I have been) by having enourmous self control, or by redirecting their attraction to pornograpy and fantasy. The conventional wisdom that all pedophiles molest children is absolutely and proveably false o What aspects of child lovers' identities do you think commonly accepted definitions omit? What benefits do you think non-child lovers would gain if they recognised these ignored aspects of identity? Simply that BLs love boys as much as anyone can love anyone. Why pedophilia occurs is a mystery to me, but it is yet another aspect of sexuality, just as homosexuality is. That boylovers are some horrible monsters is utterly false. You have to imagine that you woke up one day and were considered to be a pervert if you were attracted to your spouse. Many claim that if they were attracted to children, that they would control themselves. I wonder how many can really imagine what it is like.