Hey guys, I'm happy to have (finally) found a place where I think I can open up.

I'm a Christian.
I'm a boylover.
I'm in pain.

I imagine my story is similar to that of most of you. I've known that I was attracted to boys since I was little more than a boy myself. As a teenager, I'd cry myself to sleep begging God to heal me. Begging for some understanding. Begged for him to bring me home, and take this burden from me. 15 years later, not much has changed. Sometimes the fear- fear of what I am, fear of others finding out about me- and the loneliness and the pain are so heavy that I feel like my soul bleeds. "From the depths of my soul I cry out... help me the water is over my head, from the depths of my soul I cry out."

I promised God in those dark days that I'd kill myself before I ever harmed a child, asked him to bring me home before I'd ever reach that point. I meant it then, and mean it now, but I don't believe it will ever come to that. I DO love children- in 2 disparate ways. The first I believe is an agape love, and that it is Christ driven. I'd sacrifice anything to keep them safe. Nothing makes me happier than to help a child, to put a smile on their face, and I have a good facility for doing so. I consider this a gift.

The second is this perversion. Pedophilia. A sexual attraction to boys. This is the demon that I battle, daily. I've never acted on it with a child, never been inappropriate, and never will, but my thoughts have not always been so pure. I've masturbated to thoughts of children, to online stories. I've lusted. Each time, I end up wallowing in self-loathing. I truly believe that this is an attempt by Satan to pervert a gift of God, but I can't understand why God would let me be so tempted. So vulnerable!

Five and a half months ago, I made a decision to put my trust in I Corinthians 10:13: "God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." I told my Lord that as long as he would keep me from physically getting aroused by boys, I'd keep myself from mental masturbation- no stories, no fantasies, no daydreams. By His grace, I've managed to do so- crushing down any thoughts that came up as soon as I recognized them.

The last few weeks, however, have been very hard. Thoughts of boys are persistent and pervasive, and while I still crush down those thoughts some part of me wants to succomb. Who can I talk to? Who can I ask for prayers? As much as I'd like to be able to trust my pastor, trust my family, I can't. That isn't a mark against them, for I think that they probably COULD accept and help me in Christian brotherhood... but I can't take that risk.

I turn to you. Complete strangers, and my brothers in Christ. Please keep me in your prayers!

In His name, Amen.