I would like to thank everyone for thier replies to my questions. There were, of course, no right or wrong replies because I was just asking how everyone feels about certain things. Things that I am sure are of at least some importance to everyone here.

Back when I had never heard of the term "Boylover", I was sure I was some kind of a monster and was absolutely hated by God and probably going straight to hell in a handbasket. I'm not sure if it was this that was solely responsible for my becoming an alcoholic, but I know it played a major role. If ever I needed a reason to drink, THAT was a really good one. And drink I did, for many. many years. I almost killed myself with the stuff. But then God did something that surprised the "hell out of me" (if you don't mind the pun). He got me sober. I got sober through A.A., but it was God who worked through that program. It certainly wasn't me because I was way too far gone to do it on my own.

I got sober, which literally saved my life, and I had to stay sober using a spiritual program of recovery (which I still use today). This pretty much blew big holes in my "going to hell" phylosophy. I mean, why would God do so much to save me from death and destruction via the bottle if He were going to damn me to hell anyway? Oh I know there are a few arguments to be had with this reasoning, but it made me look at God and my relationship with Him a lot differently. Then he did something that was unbelievable. He gave me a young friend.

When "L" and I met, I was just getting sober. He was 8 years old and I wasn't even a year old (in sobriety). Our friendship was a real gift from God and it was then that I began to realize that I was ok in God's book for sure. Now don't get me wrong, I've gone back and forth with this issue many, many times; especially when I would catch myself thinking about "L" in ways that were sexual or what I would consider nasty or bad. I remember many times when I would kick myself mentally. But it was a beginning in feeling ok about who and what I was.

Years later I discovered the internet and then this forum when it was just getting started. THAT was a huge revelation for me, especially being able to comunicate with others who are like myself. Just finding out that other BL's feel the same way I do, or if they don't, finding out why they don't, was so helpful to me. Today I feel like God is trully on my side and loves me so much. I am coming to love Him in a way that I never have before. I believe He accepts me exactly the way I am, even if it's not His ideal. I've come to understand that noone on earth is completely within God's ideal, but when we accept His Son, we are hidden by faith in Him. There are some things I don't feel too ok about with myself (like my weight for example) but the things that really matter, like my faith and relationship with God, I DO feel good about. Although I think I could still spend a little more time in prayer and the study of His word.

I think that God has a lot easier time accepting us then we give Him credit for. It's taken me a long time and a lot of living to come to this realization, but it's what I believe. I won't be able to reply to any posts until tuesday in case anyone wants to reply to this.

With Love,
Chris