Dear, precious little brother, my heart cries out with yours - as I KNOW all the others in this family will too.

I think I can speak for all of us in saying that at some time or other each of us had suffered a similar horrific anguish because of our feelings - and many of us will have thought very seriously about suicide. Some have tried it - me, 4 times.

Anger at God too - Oh, yeah: plenty of that. 'I begin to grow angry, bitter, hateful.' Yep - and that's actually OK. At least Job, Jeremiah, Solomon, David and others felt plenty of that too.

'I want to at least have DONE SOMETHING holy with my life, no one can earn heaven but man, shouldn't we strive?'

Oh, my heart groans so deeply as I read that because at the age of 50 I feel such grief and regret that all this STUFF that I didn't ask for and never wanted has so consumed my life that despite all my desperate longings to be God's holy man, and His servant, and with so many fantastic gifts for looking after guys in distress and pain - despite all that, I was disqualified from it all by this crap. And no, I don't have any answers for why God let all that happen, but I do know that He is King of the Universe and just like Job didn't get answers, I still trust Him and cling desperately to Him.

Yes, Youth, IT SUCKS. It sucks SO, SO bad. I wish I could hold you and cry with you, and be yr flesh-and-blood friend to help you in this horrible time.

I've been readin over lots of your posts over the last 2 or 3 years, and it sure has been a roller-coaster. You are a magnificent man now. You were a boy back then. You are so precious to your Father and He yearns to give you a life full of purpose. You have always been so honest - refreshingly, cheekily, naughtily [!] honest, and poured your heart out. You obviously don't try to hide things from God, yourself - or us, for that matter. And He will honor you 4 that.

As for now, keep very close to Him - go out into the forest and scream at Him, to Him, at your friend, at all the crap. Keep close to those ppl who do care and who you are close to. Sometimes family are good at times like these. Just being with maybe some cousins or uncles etc just to hang, even if you can't talk to them about all the yuck - it can help to get yr mind off it all for a while and just do normal stuff. Do things you really enjoy that are perfectly innocent. Go and see a movie. Walk on the beach. Play lots of music real loud . . . Realize too that so many guys your age are in a similar situation though the person they're crazy over is a girl, not a guy, who doesn't feel the same way towards them. Yes it hurts like hell at the moment. But reading stuff you've written b4, and knowing my own life, horrific stuff like this DOES settle a bit over time. It's taken me too many years to get the perspective to realize that this is in fact the pattern of a lot of life.

I won't rave on any more - just to say I've loved you from the moment I read yr first posts, for your refreshing, life-full friendship to us here, and as I've said, for yr honesty and earnestness. I pray on for you, champ, and will continue to.

Your friend and bro

M