"I need more then following blindly"

theres ur first answer to your quest. every human being thats ever lived struggles to make sense and purpose out of this pointless life. you need to take the reins of your life and steer it to where you want it to go. you can't wait for everything to just happen because some god will come and magically fix things for you. it's your life and it's up to you to make sense of it and be happy.

for what it's worth, what you're feeling is actually pretty common and normal for people your age. it's just another phase. just dont put so many restrictions on yourself that you have very few options to explore for happiness.